Proof of Life
I miss her.
I sometimes forget how much, but I do miss her always. I don’t mean to speak of her like she’s dead or anything, because she’s very much alive. But I miss her all the same. I miss getting the chance to converse with her. I miss the rhythmic nature of conversation with her. I miss being able to argue about nothing with her. I miss being able to have a knock-down, drag-out fight with her……and have things be as fine as ever the next day. I miss calling her a dumbass. I miss having her call me a dumb ass (yes, the lack of a space and having a space are intentional). I miss hearing stories about all the ridiculous things she did in her past. I miss telling a pointless story just to get a laugh out of her. I miss the not-oft-enough heard sound of her voice. I miss having those serious conversations that neither of us could have with other people. I even miss taking her presence for granted. I miss calling her Queen B, but not as much as I miss her calling me Little Chicken.
I’m sure that, by now, I’ve taken all the things Rebecca and I were to each other and made them nearly mythological. There’s really no doubt of that. But it doesn’t change the fact that I do, indeed, miss her company dearly. It’s only something I pay heed to once in a blue moon. But she’s the only person in the Top 5 Most Influential that I don’t really get to speak to or see anymore (that list? Will, Monica, Rebecca, Mom, Dad…….in no particular order). So, yeah, I’m sure I’ve turned her into a myth…..but all myths are born out of truth. And the many truths she gave to me (and I to her) have meant the world to me. And I know in my core that there will come a time when I won’t have to miss all these things any longer…………even if just for a short while.
Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox: "Monolith" by Stone Sour, "Diary of Jane" by Breaking Benjamin, and "Futures" by Jimmy Eat World
Something I’ve come to realize in the past couple of months is that I am, truly, Thanatophobic. In other words, I’m afraid of death. It’s helped me gain a new understanding for why people believe so hard that Heaven is for real. The fact that, when we die, there’s nothing……..that scares me. It was this that led me down the path to thanatophobia. I’m not saying that the fear is something that overwhelms me or anything. Really it’s just become another of my little quirks. It’s just one I don’t really talk about too much…..probably because of what it is that makes a person realize they’re afraid to die. To realize you’re afraid to die……..you have to consider dying. So, here and now, I’ll admit it was something I thought about a few times in the past few years. There was a time or two when wrapping my car around a tree seemed like a viable alternative to going home. But it’s just something I could never do. I love just the simple act of being alive too much. I realize that I’m the kind of person who, no matter how bad my life will ever get………..I’ll never be capable of killing myself. Ever. Be it fear of death or lack of testicular fortitude, I could never go through with it. So that’s a plus, I suppose.
In the last few weeks, or days even moreso I guess, it’s become much easier to even talk about something like this. You see, very recently I’ve started to realize that I’m in a much better place right now than I have been in a few years. I would almost go so far as to say that I’m happy……which kind of stuns me, to be frank. But it’s true. I’ve found a niche in my life where I’m actually more than content, even if I’m not quite happy. That’s why I have a hard time explaining to people why it’s hard for me to want to "break out of the rut" I’m in when people tell me I need to leave my comfort zone. No one likes to leave somewhere so nice after being somewhere so deplorable. Even a full-fledged nutter like myself.
And I suppose that’s a nice send off for tonight. I’m glad I got that all out of there. It’s good to be able to prove to the world that I really am still human.
Sayonara.