The Aristocrats

****Fair Warning – This entry is going to be incredibly vulgar.  Perhaps you should just skip it.  If you read on…don’t say I didn’t try to stop you.****

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A guy walks into a talent agent’s office and says, "Jimmy, I just saw the most amazing act ever!  You’ve gotta sign ’em."  The talent agent responds, "Well, tell me about it and we’ll see…"

The man begins to describe the act he’d just seen the night before:

Well, first it’s a family act.  You should know that.  It’s a dad, mom, and two kids.  One boy, about 16 years old, one girl, about 12.  First, the father comes out onstange, stark naked.  He introduces their backing band, Metal Scorpion Penis…who rocked the house during the show, by the way.  Then, he introduces the kids.  They come out onstage and immediately take a shit at their father’s feet.  Then the father introduces the mother.  Now she doesn’t get any ordinary entrance.  No siree.  She gets carried out like the Queen of Sheba by a gaggle of midgets.  The midgets put her down, then proceed to douse each other in gasoline.  The mother then says, "Let’s hear it for the Flaming Midget Parade!"  The midgets light themselves on fire.  Willingly.  Now, as an aside, I heard that sometimes they have trouble getting midgets to be in the act each night.  So what they’ll do is get orphans off the street by promising them hot meals and a warm place to stay.  Understatement, eh?  Anyway…  The flaming midgets dance around the stage for a few minutes before the father and son finally try to put them out by pissing all over them.  Usually a few seem to make it out okay.  The still living, yet horribly burned midgets then transition right into an orgy with the whole family.  The highlight to me was the midgets creating a human ladder to fuck the mother in the ass.  Hilarious.  Good balance, too…y’know, for horribly scarred burn victims.  Occasionally you’ll see some of the family members pair off, too.  Just to change it up.  This particular night had daughter cheering on mom while a midget buried his face in her crotch and father and son engaging in mutual masturbation while kicking some of the dead midgets around the stage.  Finally, they get the midgets off the stage.  The lead singer of Metal Scorpion Penis then annouced the entrance of "The 24 Year Old Bisexual Hermaphrodite Romanian Hookers of Haiti and Belarus, Local Troop 209."  So all these she-male types come out on stage, drop their pants, and shit in neat piles all over the stage.  They get done and walk off the stage, but not before the last one in the line slips on some of the shit and falls over into it, face first…just for comedy’s sake.  After it gets helped off the stage, the mother yells, "SHITBALL FIGHT!" and proceeds to tattoo her husband with a ball of shit right in the face.  The whole family just started slinging shit all over.  The people in the first few rows are going to have some huge dry cleaning bills, let me tell you.  After the shitball fight, one of the hookers brings a bucket out onstage.  It turns out to be full of freshly used tampons.  The family uses these to write death notices to new war widows.  It’s a very tear jerking portion of the show.  Not a dry eye in the house when each family member reads their letter.  It’s amazing.  The tension and sadness is broken soon after, though, by the son, who pelts his sister with a shitball from the left overs.  While she chases him around the stage, often with one of them falling down in the still slick spots, the father goes down on the mother.  While that is going on, a seven foot tall clown comes out wearing a crown of various sized dildos.  Each of the kids take their pick, and proceed to take turns sodomizing their parents, who can only be so kind as to return the favor back.  Then they all attack the clown with the dildos.  One family member sodomizes, while the others just slap him with dildos.  Great fun.

Then comes intermission.

After the intermission, the energy doesn’t get dialed down at all.  In fact, they come out firing on all cylinders just to make sure no one has lost interest.  The mother comes out fir……………………………..

"Wait, wait, wait.  I’ve heard enough,"  the talent agent interrupted.  "This is the most…." he was searching for the right word, "…………..brilliant act I’ve ever heard of.  I don’t even need to hear the rest of it.  I’ll sign ’em immediately!"

"Trust me, Jimmy, you won’t regret it.  They’ll make you a fortune!"

"Just one question, Joe.  What do they call themselves?" the agent asked.

"The Aristocrats."

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****End (most of the) Vulgarity****

The basic premise of the joke is to take your audience on the most ridiculous, disgusting ride you can think of.  I could’ve gone on for much longer, but chose not to, just for brevity’s sake (nevermind good taste or decency).  Anyway…  The punchline of the joke is actually quite poor.  Basically it’s just meant to be mocking.  To think that anyone who would do all these disgusting things would be named after the elite of the elite is supposed to be hilarious.  Usually, it just ends up as a complete and utter anti-climax because the description of the act itself is so off the wall and over the top.  It really just allows a person to revel in their own sick creativity as they craft the joke.  That’s the real premise.  And there you have it.

Now Playing in Dave’s Mental Jukebox:  "Nymphetamine (Overdose)" by Cradle of Filth, "Vermillion" by Slipknot, and "As Time Goes By" from Casablanca ("You played it for her, you can play it for me!  If she can stand it, I can!  Play it!"…..or if you prefer, "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she had to walk into mine…")

There’s other stuff I wanted to type aboot (nothing major), but I think the time to end has come.  I’m too tired to think straight, and I feel like watching a movie now.  So I’m gone like the common sense of the public.

Sayonara.