Slumping Still, You Say? Imagine That…

In the immortal words of Popeye…

"That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands n’more!"

I’m absolutely sick and fucking tired of the movie industry whining about box office totals being down…and not owning up to the real reasons why that is.  Every single article I see about it tries to cite all these different reasons.  It has to be because more people are watching DVDs.  It’s because more people are playing more video games.  It’s because people have digital cable or satellite with hundreds of channels.  Why can’t they just rightfully take the fucking credit where it’s due?  The reason for the box office slump is simple and two-fold.  First, people aren’t willing to pay so much to see a movie anymore.  $8.50?  That’s crap.  I’m not going to plop down what I have to work aout 80 minutes to make to go to the theater.  Even to people who make lots more money than me, why would you want to pay that much to see a movie?  It just isn’t worth the cost anymore.  The consumer definitely is NOT getting what they’re paying out for.  Which brings me to the biggest reason, by far, that the slump continues.

Plainly and simply, THE MOVIES FUCKING SUCK.  THEY ARE SHIT.  See?  Easy.

Everything is a sequel, or a remake, or a licensed property of some sort.  Where the fuck did creativity go?  Oh, right, it’s only being produced on shoestring budgets, or just not at all.    Let’s just have a look at some of the biggest (or supposed to be biggest) movies of the summer…

Star Wars Episode III:  Revenge of the Sith – Sequel (admittedly, I saw it thrice)
The Longest Yard – Remake
The Honeymooners – Remake no one asked for
Kingdom of Heaven – Cookie cutter historical epic (though it wasn’t bad)
Batman Begins – Sequel
Fantastic Four – Licensed property that’s been in development hell for years
Bewitched – Remake
Land of the Dead – Sequel
Herbie:  Fully Loaded – Sequel no one asked for
War of the Worlds – Remake
Dark Water – Remake of a 2002 Japanese film
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Remake
The Island – Allegedly "borrows heavily" from a 1979 movie Parts:  The Clonus Horror (lawsuit pending)
Bad News Bears – Remake
Sky High – borrows heavily from other licensed properties
Stealth – prepackaged Hollywood CGI crap, Grade A
The Dukes of Hazzard – embarrassing looking remake
Four Brothers – Remake of 1965’s The Sons of Katie Elder
Deuce Bigalow:  European Gigolo – Sequel, and my nightmares incarnate
Madagascar – prepackaged CGI "let’s sell some overpriced merch to kids" crap
Mr. and Mrs. Smith – Remake of 1985’s Prizzi’s Honor

So honestly, after reading through that list, is it any wonder why people aren’t going to the movies?  Everything is a franchise, or at least a potential one.  Those were most of the movies that were supposed to make all the money this summer.  Instead, most of ’em flopped out hard.  Gee…I can’t imagine why.  I can only hope someone learns that this kind of crap isn’t what people want to see.  Then again, I already know Hollywood’s answer to the problem:  throw more money at it!  It just means more and more (and worse and worse) big budget garbage.  The real problem is that Hollywood as a collective has no balls.  They’re afraid to throw any kind of money at something truly creative and different.  Sure, maybe $20 million here or there, but not the truly big bucks.  Most of the really decent movies out there turn a profit if ten people show up to see it.  Meanwhile, Roland Emmerich or Michael Bay get a blank check to churn out their latest remake, update, revamp, stolen idea, or "seen it a billion times before" bad idea.  I can only hope someone wakes up and smells the coffee, but….since the coffee is likely decaf soy latte….I have no hope.

And with that out of my system…I go.

Sayonara.