Conflicted

I feel guilty or something.

He tells me over and over how he has these walls up, that its easier to not incorporate me into his life because he’s been burned before and doesnt think i’ll stick around so rather than have his whole life messed up when im gone, separate is better.

I’ve been chipping away, and he understands he has ridiculous irrational fears and hangups.  He’s seeing a relationship counselor now. 

Part of me feels like if I leave, I’ll be proving him right–like he was right to have the walls up, because look-im gone.

I’m also just invested.  I’ve put so much love and effort into him…and now i’m just going to walk away so another girl can reap the benefits?

It sounds so fucked up when I actually put it on paper.

I do love him…and I see his potential and what he could be, if he just let himself.

9.5 months is a long time…too long for things to still be where they are.

We’re not a "we".  I’m completely separate from everything else he does.  And I hate it.  It’s not normal, and it makes me feel like shit.  He doesn’t call or check in with me…the bottom line is that he hasn’t been there for me, ever.  And through countless promises that things will change and that he will be better, very little of that has come to fruition.

Why cant he just be NORMAL??  Why can’t he love me right?

This is the most frustrating situation I’ve ever been in.  He knows how I feel, we have an open and verbal relationship–I don’t hold back and neither does he.  He knows he’s fucked up…and i think he’s trying–I really do–but it’s not enough.  I think he intends to do things, say things, show me things–but just can’t…or doesn’t.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I just cant keep feeling so hurt anymore.  I’m so conflicted.