Hey guys

I’m still kicking. My last few entries haven’t been the happiest. I’ve been an emotional mess. I’m seriously considering therapy. I’ll see if I can find that type of dr covered in my ACA insurance. I have talked more with S about some  things, which helped some. I gave him more clarification as to what I was getting at last time I talked to him. He’s still the same sex crazed nut, so whatever on that (for now) but at least now he has a better idea of what I was trying to say last time we talked.

I asked him what he thought I meant by what I said, then told him what I actually meant. I knew he had taken what I said the wrong way. I’m not good at expressing my personal thoughts. I can have the convo running in my head but doesn’t always come out right when I speak them. I’m much clear on communication when it doesn’t involve me  digging into my personal feelings.

Its always been hard for me to say what’s on my mind. I’ve always been a private person and very sensitive, so I fear people getting upset at what I say, not caring, or taking it the wrong way. I end up just keeping my feelings and thoughts to myself. Not the most healthy thing mentally, but there aren’t many who can get me to open up anyway.

So talking helped, but I’m still gonna pray and think about things. Much as I love him, I have to take charge of my happiness. I can’t live my life trying to please everyone else. It’s draining. It makes me feel like I’m the only one who cares about me and I get depressed. I hate when people try to tell me things I know are a lie, and I just have to act like I don’t care and fight tears until I’m alone. I hate to cry in front of people. I avoid it when I can. I’m just gonna keep praying and see what happens.

My goal is to be happy, and to make sure I keep my relationship with God on the right track. I slack so much in that area.