8/12/06

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. and I’m feeling good

Well, not exactly. It is a new day but not a new life. and I sure don’t feel good.
I’m still stuck on Pat. Stuck worse than gum on a sidewalk. Stuck so bad my heart feels like it’s being torn out. I can’t stop thinking of him, I see brown and I think how good he looks in it, is see a sad car and I think of his little black car with a hole in the seat. My friend talks about skateboarding and I see his board in his backseat. I’m going crazy over someone I may never see again. He musn’t like me if he never called, but I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s driving me crazy. . . .CRAZY. why do boys drive girls crazy!

And that’s not all that’s driving me crazy, I’m not feeling good again. I’m having stomach aches, much like those before my surgery and after. I feel sick and have been taking my pain killers. I’m worried I’ve messed up my body. I wasn’t too worried before but a friend scared me by telling me something. I’m sick of being sick. I was healthy for so long then this year rolled around.  Oh and I have a broken bone in my wrist which occured at some point in my life and never healed. My MRI showed that one.

But, anyrate, i Just had my birthday, it was pretty good. I spent most of the day with my friends which was real fun, then I went home. My mom and I got into a fight of sorts. Then we went to dinner with my grandma to ‘celebrate.’ it was nice I guess. My brother, however, forgot about my birthday and called me at 2 am the next day to wish me a happy birthday. That was Wednesday, thursday was real fun. We were planning to go to splash lagoon, but decided not to because of money, so we went to chucky cheese because one of my friends works there. so we chilled there for awhile. then Ben, ashley, and I went to the mall and bummed for awhile until it was time to get Kevin. then we headed to Kohls where I ran into steve, which was amazing. then we headed back to bens, eventually we swam, then we just watched movies until like 1:30 when someone decided they wanted chocolate, so we went to Country Fair to get some. bed at  5-5:30 up at 7:15ish for me because Kevins big butt turned on the radio, about 8 for the rest. then back to teaching VBS at 9. long day.
And I’m still managing to think about Pat. I’ve got a mind where I can remember everything I want to forget and forget everything I want to remember. ‘Dark eyes and careless hair. You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care. . . .In case you failed to notice, incase you failed to see, this is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees. . . .You were always briliant in the moring smoking your cigarette and talking over coffee.’ Lyrics are a way to express the heart.
If I keep writing it will probably be about Pat.

However, I never wrote about the bad week I had before my party, last friday I believe. My parents kept fighting and I can;t stand them fighting, just can’t stand it. I wish they would divorce, they would be much happier if they were, I do believe. Well, anyrate, they fought all day. I ended up crying twice in one day which is real bad for me. I was crying because I got so mad I started screaming and tried running out of the house and my dad grabbed me then I started crying when my neighbor asked me if I was okay. I just wish my family could communicate some other way than by yelling. Like, perhaps talking, I suggest it, and my mom goes I"M NOT THE ONE YELLING. . . . and i respond you just yelled at me, and then she tells me to shut up. she doesn’t like someone pointing out mistakes in her and she definately doesn’t like when someone contridicts her.

Well, I’m tired, so I’ll go now before I rambel on more about my yelling mother or my annoying brother, and Pat.

Breeze drifting on by, you know how I feel.  It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. and I’m feeling good. Fish in the sea, you know how i feel, river running free, you know how I feel, blossom on the tree, you know how I feel. Dragon fly out in the sun, you know what I mean ya know,

Stars really shine, you know how I feel! ohh freedom of the mind, and I know how I feel! It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me. and I’m feeling good. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life, it’s a new life for me, and i’m feelin’ good and i’m feeling so good. feel so good.

Amazing. too bad the words don’t describe the feelings.