The Real Update

For Prank Wars, please go one entry back! 🙂

The real update is that I got a job at Kroger. It’s a crappy little part-time job, but most people know that it’s not what I wanted anyway. We just need some extra money for a while. Adam’s looking for a better job and once he finds that, I’ll probably leave Kroger. I’m looking into going back to school. And of course, I want a baby.

It’s pretty low stress, most of the time, even though last night I was totally fucking pissed off. I think part of me being pissed off has nothing to do with Kroger but to do with me mentally.

I need to see a shrink. I’ve been to therapy before but I’ve never been to a psychiatrist (y’know, the ones that give ya MEDS!). 

The problem I see right now, is that everything is happening at once. I have a series of health issues that I need to sort out:
I screwed up my tailbone and it’s extremely painful to sit or lay down. 
I screwed up my back, I think I may have pinched a nerve, and I can’t stand or bend over or lift anything up. Everything is painful, horribly painful, and just standing is the worst thing ever which really sucks since I stand all day at my job. 
I need to make the appointments with the OBGYN to figure out what’s going on with my uterus. 

I have horrible headaches and I’m constantly feeling like I’m going to pass out (almost have a couple times). 

So I have all those things I need to tend to, but then I have other things… 

For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been getting anxiety attacks almost every day. I’m having severe nightmares where I’m waking up screaming and crying, most of the time I try not to sleep period. I’m not eating right. I do eat, but barely and I’ll go 12+ hours in between eating anything at all. I’ve had three panic attacks since we’ve moved. I’m having these anxiety attacks while I’m driving, which are terrifying, and they’re putting my life on hold. I’ve been late to work a couple times because I’ll have an anxiety attack on the way to work and I’ll need to sit in the car and calm down before I go in. They’re interfering with my day-to-day life. 

I came home pissed off last night. Adam can tell you that he sees that a lot. I was ranting and raving to Adam about my day and even HE had to say "Emily, Emily… calm down. You’ve snapped. You’ve fucking snapped!" He’s convinced that I’ve had a mental breakdown. After last night, he’s even more convinced that I’m not just angry like normal, that I’ve actually snapped and I need to see someone. 

I just don’t… have the money. I don’t have the money to see doctors about my health issues AND to see a shrink about what’s going on with my panic and anxiety attacks. 

I need to get it taken care of and figured out because it’s weighing down on my actual life. If it were just some kind of depression, I could fix this. But it’s not… its a physical response to mental issues. I can’t handle that. It’s gotta get taken care of. I’m just at a loss.