flames from my brains

my skin is boiling here

haha not really, but most of the time

i am laughing right now at how much of a grouch i have been lately

it is just so HARD

i think pretty soon in my life i will have to disown my family or something

because i seriously feel like i can’t be truly happy around these people (hahaha wow)

and that is like the saddest thing ever because the potential is there

i sound like the biggest jerk ever, like, i can’t be happy around my family? really?

but when i think about them and when i am around them my nerves are put on edge and my skin boils

it feels like a test from the universe or something that i am clearly failing

there is just so much internal conflict and battle happening here

part of me is like well suck it up, you can always be happy and positive, this is your family, blah blah blag

and then the majority of me is like wow these people are selfish and don’t care and are so unaware of EVERYTHING

i guess that is the only thing that is gratifying, is knowing how aware i am of things, that i know my own body and i know the right time to talk and i think about things Logically

really what it comes down to is the lack of subtlety i think, people don’t appreciate the magic of subtlety

and silence

 

i am ranting HARDCORE (hXc)

i have just felt like the hugest misfit in the universe lately and it is DUMB

because i am honestly not, i just don’t do well with humoring people

and because of that, all that appears is an ungrateful bastard child that has no heart or sense of humor

my sister constantly tells me that i lack emotions

i think because i don’t put ’em out for the world to see and also have a sense of control

my almost 30-year-old cousin came to dinner with us tonight and was literally texting 3/4 of the time and the other 1/4 he was complaining about his work

i am almost sighed out

 

this is the worst entry of mine ever and i almost feel like i’m regressing

i just miss my kyle

whenever i stay with my dad i feel so centered but when i am here i am just molded into the wrong shape