How it’s going…

How is it going for me romantically? Well, it’s hard to say really. I have active feelings for Andrew.

I am rarely sexually attracted to men. I don’t think Andrew is hot. But I do think he is a good person and I really want to date him. I would even go so far as to say that I love him. I am at Starbucks right now near his apartment hoping he will come here because he’s a frequent flyer here. I haven’t seen him yet though. But I also know that the men I like rarely like me back. So there is a 90% chance that nothing will happen. That’s pessimistic. 85% chance. There we go. In any case chances are so slim that it actually amuses me that I could think this man would like me.

When Arun decided to start talking to me again I had to think. On one hand, the issues that drove us apart never resolved. We are still long distance. He is a professor at the college where we met. He never left. Meanwhile I have lived in New Orleans and Lafayette and Dallas and have had many experiences that have shaped me and made me somewhat different than I was when I was in college. On the other hand, I hate starting over. I hate casual dating and "the game". Most guys expect sex way too soon and most guys who are attracted to me are weird or not my type. I don’t want to spend one of my (very rare) times off with someone who I don’t even know if I like or not. Dating a woman is pretty much out of the question too, because I want to settle down and make it known to the world that I am dating someone. I’m not ready to tell my family and I know it. With Arun I don’t have to pretend anything or start over. He knows me and has met my family and knows a bunch of my secrets. We can jump straight into the fun parts of a relationship without going through all the new relationship awkwardness.

He wouldn’t accept "maybe" as an answer. I had to say yes or no. So I said yes. Now he expects us to talk often and we have spoken multiple times since I last wrote. I have noticed that calling him isn’t a priority for me. I have many other things going on and even though I like him he feels a little irrelevant to my life right now. Maybe if he would come visit things would change. We seem to be getting along fine so far. In a way I like it because I can have my own life. He is telling everyone we’re back together but it’s hard for me to swallow because I am still not sure. Will we ever actually live together and share a home? Even if we get married, I still have to finish residency and possibly do fellowship etc.

Stephanie sort of adds another wrinkle in things though. We will be spending a lot of time together and I don’t really want Arun to know that she’s the same girl that I dated in New Orleans. And what does Stephanie living in Dallas mean for me anyway? We feel super comfortable with each other and will spend a lot of time together because of that fact. Did she move here for me? I know part of the answer is yes. But there are other reasons. Still is that weird? I feel like is sort of is, but I’m glad she is here because I always have someone to hang out with.

Love,

Julie