Those Blue Mornin’s
This morning I awoke from a dream that was so very real. There were many things that led into the ending which I remember the clearest, and I felt they were very important because by the time I awoke I was living and feeling all that was occuring.
There was this big event taking place in a large public arena or hall. There was a bout of chaos in the air as people were excitedly going about different grouped activities. The lighting wasn’t alltogether clear, and I don’t remember looking up very much from what I was focussed on. I was a volunteer and I felt my task was to look after a group of school children (I suppose it would be the class of children I have been imagining as Leandra’s description of the New Orleans school kids). I recall walking into a narrow hallway where people were rushing by and I came across a young African American boy who had fallen and cut his knee. None of his friends knew what to do, and there weren’t any other volunteers around. I tended to the boy as I know how to best, all the while focussing completely. Memories of summer camp and accidents came rushing back in my dream-scaped mind. I felt the child relax knowing I was there with him, caring for him.
When I awoke in my bed I was so focussed on these thoughts that I wanted to go back to sleep. I was afraid I left the boy unattended and I wanted to make sure he was allright. But I couldn’t, instead I had to shower and get dressed, then eat and go to school.
As irrational as it is, I couldn’t help but feel that my routine was a grand inconvenience today. Since this morning I still haven’t stopped feeling like I’m in the wrong place. I feel so strongly that I need to be with Leandra and all the AOL folks helping people who need it, in New Orleans especially. The shock from the dream twisted into my mind and I had terrible feelings of dread accompany every thought I had. Leander told me over the phone last night that she felt vulnerable about me and was having doubts, possibly to the point of backing out in the fear of being hurt again. Despite not having the intention to hurt her in the fall, I know that I crushed an unspoken bond of trust. I’m so lucky that she’s the most patient girl ever, and when I collected myself she was willing enough to give me a second chance. I care for her so much that I would promise never to hurt her again. Since she left at christmas I haven’t ever felt so happy to be secretly loyal to a someone so far away. Seeing her last week brought us very close I felt, so her conscerns came as a bit of a shock. It hurt a little. This feeling of vulnerability she described loomed over me today too, and I felt such anxiousness inside.
Jess had lunch with me (if you can call nachos lunch) and I was grateful for her ears and her thoughts. The concensus between her and roomie Dave is that everyone has moments of doubt when it comes to commitments, especially girls.
Yesterday I skipped my classes to study for a big ol’ test in the library. I picked a desk hidden among the book shelves which didn’t have a desk in the respective book shelf ahead of it, nor in the book shelf behind it. Perfect seclusion. What makes the Sexton library so great is that every window faces the harbour, and, at that moment of study, the sky was a magnificent blue over the water, and the sun reflected off the most innocent of clouds. It didn’t take long for me to realise that absolutely beautiful sounds were coming from tiny little birds on the other side of the window. It sounded, smelt, looked and felt like spring had come in it’s purest and strongest form. I didn’t know where the birds were exactly, and I wondered if maybe they thought it was a little early to be out in the warm February breeze, chirping away and whistling contently. They sounded so free, and in my mind I rose a little from my mopey slumber. I don’t know if this is temporary, this whole collapse I seem to be having, but it’s annoying. Upon talking with friends I’m gently reassured that I’m not the only one who feels anxious to rush for the summer travels in disdainful expression of this encapsulating institution. I long powerfully to seek my soul’s purpose to serve and create, to fight for what feels so strongly of true love, to fly above the bounds of anticipated imagination, and to chirp contently in the warm sun.
The Be Good Tanyas – The Littlest Birds
Well I feel like an old hobo, I’m sad lonesome and blue
I was fair as the summer day now the summer days are through
You pass through places and places pass through you
But you carry ’em with you on the souls of your travellin’ shoes.
Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly
Wake you up in the mornin’ so early
Just to tell you I got the wanderin’ blues
I got the wanderin’ blues
And i’m gonna quit these ramblin’ ways one of these days soon
And I’ll sing
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs…
Well it’s times like these I feel so small and wild
Like the ramblin’ footsteps of a wanderin’ child
And i’m lonesome as a lonesome whippoorwill
Singin these blues with a warble and a trill
But i’m not too blue to fly
No i’m not too blue to fly cuz
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs…
Well I love you so dearly I love you so fearlessly
Wake you up in the mornin’ so early
Just to tell you I got the wanderin’ blues
I got the wanderin’ blues
And I don’t wanna leave you I love you through and through
Oh I left my baby on a pretty blue train
And I sang my songs to the cold and the rain
I had the wanderin’ blues
And I sang those wanderin’ blues
And i’m gonna quit these ramblin’ ways one of these days soon
And i’ll sing
The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs….
I don’t care if the sun don’t shine
I don’t care if nothin’ is mine
I don’t care if I’m nervous with you
I’ll do my lovin’ in the wintertime