Unwanted

I was pretty good today.  I had a weightloss shake and tea for breakfast, about a cup of soup around 2:30…oh that’s right, dinner.  Ha, well my friends made me go out.  After I had just gone shopping and got yogurt and salad stuff.  So yeah, I went out.  They think I don’t eat enough as it is, so the fact that they know I’m cutting back even more makes them want to shove food at me continuously.  I had 2 slices of pepperoni pizza, a small salad, and 1 chicken wing.  Oh, and a diet orange soda.  Overall, I guess my calorie consumption wasn’t terrible, but I really hadn’t wanted to go out and eat.  I was so full afterwards I wanted to puke.  I said something about how full I was, and my friend said "why don’t you go make yourself puke?" almost as if she was testing me.  I didn’t.

She caught me two days in a row throwing up after dinner.  I had told her I really just didn’t feel well, and she told me to take a pregnancy test.  I got my period like a week later, so now I think she’s suspicious.  Maybe I’m just paranoid.

I had a few beers.  I was planning on getting drunk and having fun.  Then the camera came out.  They took like 3 pictures of me (I was thinking I looked cute), but when I saw them I just wanted to die.  I am disgusting.  It completely ruined my night, and when they were getting a ride to the bar I just asked them to take me home.

It makes me sad because I know why my feelings of hatred towards myself are getting stronger.  I stopped taking the anti-depressent because I hate the way it makes me feel.  But this just goes to show that I actually need it.  I want to live without it but I can’t.  I’ve been feeling even more anxious lately (which is originally what the pills were for.  Little did I know I was quite depressed as well) and I’ve been getting into those "moods" again.

I just don’t see what anyone would ever see in me.  I am sometimes so surprised by the fact that Alex even says I’m the best he’s ever been with.  I don’t see how anyone would ever want to see me naked.  Sometimes I think about that and say "well, I must be okay looking because he’s with me," then I remember that he’s not.  We’re friends.  And I constantly am pressuring him into a relationship when he’s told me straight off he’s not ready for one.  He’s asked me so many times how I could want to be with someone who isn’t ready, because there would be no trust.

Maybe I’m just afraid that there will never be anyone else.

Anyway, after tonight I’m even more motivated to lose weight and be 20lbs lighter by Christmas.  We’ll just have to see how long I can keep this up.