Guilt

I’m really hungry right now, but I’m waiting until after my classes to eat my one and only meal for the day.  Gotta get back into the habit of eating once a day.  Yesterday I was planning on eating once, but the food I got was gross so I was hungry when my friends asked me to go to dinner and I didn’t have the willpower to say no.  My stomach was growling.

Guilty conscience.  I fooled around with someone else, and while it shouldn’t bother me because Alex is not my boyfriend, it honestly bothers me.  As soon as my "friend" left, I called Alex and told him everything.  He said he wasn’t mad, just surprised, happy that I told him.  He said he didn’t feel guilty anymore for kissing other girls.  Made me feel even shittier.  I didn’t go through with it because the whole time all I thought over and over was "this should be Alex…" and I made him stop.  I don’t know how I would feel right now if I actually slept with him.  Alex says he’s not mad, but I can tell he’s upset.  He wasn’t expecting this and asked me why I did it.  I don’t know why I did it, or what I was thinking.  Everytime I think about it I feel sick.  I don’t want another guy touching me.  I just want Alex to touch me.  It probably sounds like I was raped, but at one point I was exactly where I wanted to be.  I guess I just didn’t think about it before hand.  I had days to think about it because he made it quite obvious that he wanted me and I liked that feeling.  I know Alex wants me, but he doesn’t do the little things anymore, like kiss me at parties or touch my hips, stupid things, you know?  Basically I feel like an idiot.  I saw Alex today on my way to class, and he smiled at me like he always does.  A smile that makes me smile no matter how upset I am.  His birthday is Sunday.  Happy Birthday to him.