Feeling Good/Feeling Not So Good

I’ve lost around 16lbs.  I’m obviously really happy, but I don’t feel like I look any different.  I was feeling really good for a few days, feeling skinnier and happy.  Then I saw pictures of myself and realized I’m still a freakin’ whale.  I don’t look like I’ve lost 16lbs.  My stomach still feels huge and I’m disgusting.  I lost another pound as of this morning, but my stomach sticks out more than it did yesterday.  I might just be bloated from my period, but damnit, I want to look like I’ve lost weight.  Isn’t 16lbs a lot?  I can fit into my old "skinny" jeans.  16lbs is at least one size down.  *Sigh*  I still have about 20-30lbs more to lose.

I need to start being good again.  I was sort of slipping, eating more than once a day and drinking diet soda instead of water.  But now I have that disgusting picture as inspiration.  I will only eat one meal a day.  My goal is to lose at least 8lbs more by the end of the semester.  That’s just about 4 weeks.  I can totally do that.

Sadly, eating more than once a day isn’t the only way I’ve slipped.  Yesterday I ate lunch around noon then told myself that was it, yet dinner came around and honestly I wasn’t even hungry, but dinner is the meal I eat so lunch threw me off and I ate dinner anyway.  Did that make sense?  Anyway, after I ate dinner I felt fat and guilty and disgusting so I came back here and threw it all up.  I felt better but guiltier at the same time because he imed me and when I didn’t answer he called.  So I called him back and he asked where I was and I said in the bathroom and he asked why I was in there so long and I was like wtf, why are you asking.  He was probably just asking, but he knows about my bulimic tendancies and I don’t need him to know I slipped again.

So yeah.  I have two big tests coming up.   But on the bright side, I’ve studied.