I Don’t Even Know Right Now

I was trying to come up with a word for my mood and I’m stuck.  There’s really nothing I can think of to explain how I feel.

I went to see Alex for New Year’s.  He wanted me there.  Didn’t really act like it, but he told me he did.  After all the partying and drinking he asked me to sleep in his bed and I told him I’d sleep on the floor.  He asked me not to do that.  I ended up sleeping with him.  Well, not sleeping with him.  Just in bed.  We had a long talk about how he takes advantage of me and takes me for granted.  He says he doesn’t mean to, but he always seems to.  I told him one day I won’t be there anymore.  I’m scared to death to lose him.

Eating has been, well, eh.  Nothing to brag about, nothing to complain about.  It’s been okay.  I haven’t made myself throw up, yet I thought about it tonight.  I hadn’t really eaten anything, I was just upset.  Throwing up is comforting in a way.  I didn’t though, and that’s probably why I feel insane right now.  I want to try that Dexatrim h2o stuff.  Maybe it’ll help me burn more calories.  Still have a goal of losing 20lbs before Jan 21st.  That’s barely three weeks away.  Good luck to me.  Not expecting anything.

I’m afraid that I need to go back on anti-depressants.  I hated the way they made me feel, yet I was never this emotional when I was on them.  I guess they didn’t really make me feel that bad, just different.  Sort of emotionless.  Maybe that’s what I need.  To stop feeling emotions.  Sadly, I’m afraid to stop feeling like this.  I won’t feel like me.

I sort of regret going to see him.  I didn’t miss him before.  I miss him now.  It’ll go away eventually.  But I miss him right now and I know he doesn’t miss me.

I’m out of my mind.  There’s something seriously wrong with me.  I’m dying for a cigarette and I don’t even smoke.