A New Worry-Free Me

I’ve classified myself as a worry-wort.  Well, actually, my mother has been calling me that since I started having anxiety attacks for no reason my senior year of high school.  I worry about everything.  For the most part, I worry and it does me no good.

Last night.  I had a huge worry-fest.  I didn’t throw myself into anxiety mode luckily, but I worried myself so bad that I was sick and crying.  I was going out to my friends to drink for a little while, then Alex was going to call and let me know what he was doing.  As it turned out, my friends party was byob and I had no cash, so I couldn’t go.  So I tried calling Alex, but he didn’t answer.  My friends away message said that it was an open party.  So then I started thinking that that stupid girl was there and he didn’t want me there because of her.  Really, as I’m typing this, I feel ridiculous.  So after about an hour of crying and being angry, he called.  He asked why I wasn’t out and I told him I had no cash.  He said "Oh, if I had known that, I would have called earlier!  I thought you were at your friends house."  He told me to get my ass over to the house because they had a keg and only like 5 people were there.  So I went and we had a great night.  I was wasted and I told him I wanted to leave.  He said that he had just gotten his second wind (lol), but if I wanted to leave, to go and sleep in his bed and he would be home later.  He gave me a kiss goodbye (while poking me in the eye with the brim of his hat lol).  I said okay, but then Mike asked me to wait to give him a ride.  I told him I wasn’t driving because I was wasted, but he said to wait anyway because he would walk me.  So I ended up waiting and Alex left with Mike and I.  He held my hand the whole way.  He kept looking at me and giving my hand a squeeze, like just to show he was happy.  On our way to his place, he wanted to take a "shortcut" through a ditch, which turned out to be a stream.  He pulled me down the side and I slid into the stream lol.  I then climbed out and made him walk around.  It was really nice, holding hands and walking while it was snowing.  It was like 4am.

We went back to his place and did stuff.  He told me he wanted me to sleep at his house every night.

After last night, I thought about changing my way of thinking.  I always worry that something is going to happen.  Why should I waste my time giving myself a stomach ache and crying over nothing, when I should just wait until something happens.  We had such a great night and I was all upset for nothing.  So yes, I’m going to do my best to stop worrying so damn much.  So he thinks this girl is attractive.  Apparently, he had the chance to go home with her the other night and he didn’t.  He called me that night when he got home.  So maybe I do mean more to him than he shows.  Afterall, he is a guy, right?  So I’m going to stop being ridiculous.  It gets me nowhere.  However, I can’t really help my jealousy, lol.

Really, this entry had nothing to do with my eating.  I suppose I should add something about that aspect since I post in the eating disorders circle.

Yesterday:
bowl of special k with skim milk
hamburger with fries
I have no idea how much beer I drank, so I can’t really count it

Today:
hamburger with fries
cherry koolaid

I was going to puke today after I ate, but I think it was because I was hung over.  I stopped myself again, but now I’m sort of wishing I had done it.  When I was laying on my back, I could feel the bulge in my stomach.  I ate too much this weekend.  Tomorrow’s a new day.