Ultimatums

I give them sometimes as a boss, and frequently as a mom, but it does not feel right in a marriage – a partnership.

I share some, but not much, of what is going on with my girlfriends. As an introvert, I have a very small circle of friends. Since my husband does not have any friends of his own in the US, my friends and their husbands are our friends now. It is not right to share our private challenges with people he considers part of his friend circle without his consent. He would’t even let me share that he had cancer until two years after it was over. It was rough not having support, but it was his prerogative to keep it a secret. I digress. The advice I received based on what little information I did share, was an ultimatum. Go to therapy or we are over. But that shouldn’t be how a partnership works. The “why” matters.

If I only see movement because he was threatened with divorce, it isn’t good enough. None of our other conversations: “This is what I need from you. This is hurting me. This is hurting our children” gave him motivation enough. His motivation now is the impact on him , not on us. I have been asking him to go to therapy for five years, ever since cancer, to process the impact.

When I signed up for the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder training last month, I invited him to come with me. They have free childcare, but he wasn’t interested. I ended up taking OS with me to the childcare room anyway, because I didn’t want to leave them alone together after the fiasco that was the first night of the training. When I explained that it would help us understand OS better and how to support him, his response was, “I don’t care.” He didn’t even want to look at the slide print outs I brought home. Last night was the final class. On Monday, after our conversation on Saturday, he finally showed interest in going.

He started going to the gym again on Sunday, and has gone every morning since. On Tuesday he picked up coffee and a muffin for me on the way home from the gym  in the morning to thank me for making breakfast for the family every day.

He half jokingly asked if changing all the poopy diapers until they are finally potty trained would gain him “points.” I pointed out that poopy diapers weren’t what this was about and that he knew that.

He suddenly wants to take OS to the car races, which OS is enamored with since his foster mother’s son works on a Nascar pit crew.

He scheduled a 1 on 1 therapy session for this week with the same therapist he quit before. I am not sure if she was not giving him coping exercises because he wasn’t opening up, or whether she was just incompetent.

I have been itching to do a particular kayak trip for years to explore these islands in the middle of the river that I have wanted to see ever since I was a kid. I used to imagine that they were uncharted, unexplored territory and I would be the first adventurer to ever set foot on them. When I told him about it several years ago he refused to go with me.

I updated the adoption support group date in our calendar so that he was aware since he stays home with our younger son (YS) while OS and I go. Again, I take OS to the free child care because I don’t want to leave him with my husband. He started refusing to go nearly six months ago, and now he wants to go again.

He goes through phases of wanting to be better, and I used to hope that it would stick. Now, I just feel skeptical. I don’t want to express my doubt to strongly, because I don’t want him to doubt himself. Utilizing these support resources is important for his future happiness and his relationship with my children. I would like to just be grateful to see the effort, but these are the same things he has said and done before. Then a bad day comes and he quits everything. Maybe he will stick with it this time, but I had hopes for that every time before. Maybe this time is different because he knows I might really leave.

But that’s the ultimatum that I never actually gave. It might have been enough six months ago, but now that we have reached this point, it isn’t. He pushed my capacity for patience and near-unconditional support too far. He took it for granted that I would just always be here waiting to forgive him no matter how many cycles of crisis we went through. He didn’t realize there would be a point at which I evolved from actively supporting him, to actively protecting someone else. The children were that point. If they hadn’t come into our lives, this cycle might have continued in its less volatile form for years more before I said enough because I am so ready and willing to put the needs of others before my own. Which is exactly what I am doing now, but now the children have my loyalty, because they are children who have such very small voices (metaphorically) in this world. It is my job as their mother, and as a person, to protect the most vulnerable. That will always trump what I feel are my responsibilities as a wife.

So, I’m done. Maybe in saving them a year ago, they are saving me too.