New beging to an old story

It has been quite some time since I have had the time, and mind clarity to actually sit down and write. At one point I started a new diary to try and have a ‘safe’ place to write everything because to many people I personally knew were reading it and not completely understand where I was coming from in the things I was expressing. The time has come in my life now where, I dont give a flying fuck. These are my feeling my emotions and my damn diary.

My life has changed so much since the last time I have written. I havent read my last entry to even know where I left off. So I guess this will be a sort of new begining of an old story. As the past few months have flown by things have twisted and turned, drowned and floated. I have smile, be mad, excited, warm, and cold. Feb 23, 2011 I started testosterone. I am currently 8 1/2 months along. My voice has changed, my body has begun schulpting itself into into what it should have always been. I have hair in places on my legs and thighs i never did before. My side burns and chin hair are begining to slowly show them selves. I’m stonger, I’m mellow, I think more clearly, I am becoming me. I absolutely love every moment of it, other then the fact it has come to the point i barely notice the changes as they happen.I suddenly decide I’m going to inspect my body today and always find my self asking "when did that happen". I’m 8 months in and my voice in just now starting to do the serious cracking and squeaking. Kinda of annoying, when people do notice it. I am now never mistaken for a female, and thats the best part. Publicly I am ME! As to physical changes my mind, thoughts, likes, dislikes, relationship preferenaces, job interests, hobbies, everything has changed. Theres things I used to love that i now don’t care for as much, or I care for more then I did before. What I’m looking for in the next five years for my life has changed from what it was a year and a half ago, now I can not say that being on T is what has changed it, things have taken place in my life to change alot of it as well. I am no longer in a relationship with sara or living with her. Rough patch, so I’ll write about it at another time. I’m struggling to save money for my own apartment, it just seems like…theres always something else that needs attention right at this moment and it always involves funds. I have though gotten myself a bank acount that has a little bit of change in it. Just not enough for first, last, and depoist on a decent apartment. All of it is sad reallly concidering i do work two jobs, and barely sleep because of it. I can’t be to down since I am leaving one of them to start another job that pays more and it more hours, and a managment position. with will put alot of money into my bank account. I also have tossed the idea around in my head about keeping the one job on the three nights a week I do have off from the Chocolate bar. It sounds like alot, but I want to be able to save that extra money for top surgery. Though I have to concider that physically it may be entirely to much. Then I concider the fact that I can just do it for a few months until I can start the process for my G.E.D and school. Its all alot to try and figure out, in only two weeks before I begin the other job. aaah What to do what to do…

Tiff came home to visit last week. it was an epic adventure to say the least. Tiff and brooke hated but loved each other the whole time. They never thought to think how they have changed as individuals, and the paths their lives have taken would impact their friendship. They had to kind of learn to re-get to know each other, and adjust. It kind of came together once Brooke and I got pulled over, which resulted in brooke in jail with alot of charges. Felonies to make it all better. It has kind of shown them to pull it together their best friends. So both my best friends are mile away and I cant see them, kick it, or anything. Talk about feeling lonely. 🙁

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. and instead of spending it with my family the entire day or a friends, I have chosen to work. I cant stand being around my family…well more so at my moms house while shes smashed. its annoying and really gets under my skin. My mothers going to drink her self to death, and is becoming more and more out there by the day because of the drinking. Its horrible. Its no life for aj either which pisses me off more, tagging on that at this point there’s not a damn thing i can do about it. I’m not stable enough yet. I hope I can get it all together before its to late. To late being my mom drinks her self to death, or out driving drunk and kills someone. Before nana passes because that would only for sure make it worse. It makes me feel rushed, its all getting worse so fast.

Done for now