Move Day
Today is the day, the day that I’m moving out of Sara’s house. No, not into my own place, but with two friends. So it’s on to my own room, and a whole lot of loneliness. How me decideding and asking Sara if she thought this was the best decision for us, to her and her mother saying I "have to"/ "should leave" because it’s whats in the best interest of me, "tough love" is beyond me. I am at a loss of thought of how it went from my decision to everyone else’s. Kind of has left me with sour taste in my mouth over the whole thing. Kind of as if I’m being treated like I’m not doing enough to get a job and better myself. I know that’s not the case, I have put so applications in, and been on interview after interview and still nothing. Though I still feel like everyone is throwing it at me as if it’s my fault and I’m not doing enough because I’m living here and worring more about other things then whats best for me. All of it has pretty much just shot me down into a 100 foot hole, with no light and no air. Almost an abandoning feeling, even though I know its not the case, or that I’m being put out, but after all THIS WAS MY DECISION, and the whole this just got flipped and has caused me to feel worse about my self.
I talked to Tiff last night for awhile, while she was on her way to see someone in the hospital. She keeps telling me I just need to move to Florida so that I am a million miles away from an distractions, drama, and I can have my rock by my side to pick me up and kick me in the face telling me to get off my ass that everything will be ok, that I just can’t give up now. She said by April right around her birthday if I don’t have my shit together then I should. I’m not sure how I feel about it, it is a great idea but I do have a girlfriend here, and A.j. A.j needs me more then anything right now and i just can’t leave her. I would feel like I was abandoning her, and I currently know how that feels and don’t want her to experience how it feels.
I had a show on Thursday down in Youngstown, for Sara H.’s birthday. It was fucking insane. There was so many people there you barely had room to walk. Cat, and Nikki drove, even Sara came along with us. We had alot of fun! I went ham on the dance floor, tireed my self out and feel asleep on the way home. I was pooped. Some black girl went to tip me so I went to go get the dollar and she took it back then said u got to work for it, I laughed at her and danced away. Bitch I’m not like every other drag king and going to give u a damn half lap dance because ur sitting on a chair, but best believe I’m one of the few that say thank you to those who tip me. I’m a fucking gentlman while I’m on stage, and i aint getting down and dirty or humping someone for a damn dollar, I can go be a male stripper and get a hundred for just taking my pants off so…yea. Besides I’m an entertainer not a god damn stripper, I have respect for my self and not that desperate for a fucking dollar.
Todays just going to be horrible. I’m going to move all this shit, and then sit in a room by my fucking self with nothing. Tonight might end up being a night I go out and get fucking hammered. I havent had anight like that since my birthday. It’s not going to make anything better, just put a little bit of fun into my life, that I do need.
Going to sit with Sara for a little bit before she goes to work since I won’t be here when she gets home.
D.j