Time to Focus nojomo#2

NoJoMo #2

I have to remember to write before midnight…or I miss a day, and I’m really trying to write everyday for this years NoJoMo.

Things have been, alright. I mean I am by far not okay, but I have been doing a great job and pretending I am. The other night Sara was asking me if I was alright, and i replied as I always do, "yes baby, I’m fine, baby I’m fine no matter what", I smiled and kissed her. She kissed me back, crooked her lip layed her head on my shoulder, and said " I know, and it scares me". Why? Why does it scare her? I’m fine, I’ll always be fine, what ever it is that is getting me down, and eating me alive, I’ll work through it and get past it, I always do. Some how, some way, i manage to be okay.

How am I suppose to look at her and tell her I am completely falling apart on the inside, that ever chance I get that she isn’t looking I burst into tears. How can I tell her I wake up sweat and gasping for air almost every morning because my nightmare’s are getting worse. Music has managed to keep me, as together as you can call me right now. When it all hurts I just stick my ear buds in my ears and drift away, it has become the only thing that makes any sense to me. I can’t seem to make sense of my lack of employment, or how I have turned in so apps, gotten interviews, and still nothing. Never in my life. Someone said something about my name and my(now) gender playing a role in it, and it wasn’t until they mentioned it to me, that it began to scare me. What if that has something to do with it? Where does that leave me?

All I know is there is entirely to much going on for me to break now, to fall apart and be vunerable for a moment is out of the question. the few people I have talked to about things are some of the people I trust the most, hold most dear to me, and i rely on the most. They have all said it is time for me to step down from being ‘superman’, and get myself together, worry about me, let someone else hold me up. I have thought about how great this would be for me mentally, to just be able to take a break. Just when they all have me convinced that their going to be there to help me get through things, or manage my problems, or help me get through them, or I even mention the slightest fact or a favor, or doing something small, it’s i get a no reply, or no I can’t, or just some run around bullshit. like, THEN WHY DID YOU SUGGEST IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! Quit telling me these things that would help me out, the the day or, or five minutes before tear everything fucking down in front of me. Thanks that really fucking helps with this motivation, i just seem to have just spewing out of the cracks of me, NOT! More like, why thank you for fucking a ‘friend’ over, your fucking awesome. not even the fact or doing something for me or not, shit just fucking listen to me, and for ONCE not talk about whats your fucking problem, and focus on mine. I have forgotten how to verbally express myself due to lack of friends/partners willing to actual listen. Third, if your going to talk shit about me weather it be behind my back, in front of my face, or act funny because we’re in public, please quit wasting my life, facebook messages, emails, and my god damn air trying to be friend me when no one is around. Its making you look pathetic, and the only reason I haven’t said anything yet? Is because your entertaining me, and digging your self a bigger hole so go right ahead, I do not ahve the time, or energy for it to be wasted on you..move along. (no names mentioned, but refering to more then one person)

Job interview on thursday, for a job I know I have, since he (the G.m) just told me my orientation would be the following week. This gives me hope for the future. I am now going to enjoy Sara’s mom’s singing, and figure out what it going on tonight. Weather or not I am going to Kc’s tonight, or just staying home. All because Brooke can’t just be patient and wait to go til after I go get Sara Bud. Brooke wants to give her the bud she has, so we can pick up bud on the way to Kc’s for me to replace the bud she gave Sara to hold her over, then Sara gets the rest when I get home. Which I mean isn’t really all that complicated except for the fact Sara has the money for the bud, may not go for it. She said she doesn’t care, but seems pissy about it. Ugh this would be so much easier if i just had money, and could buy her larger amounts so this wasn’t an every night type of trick, or search for it. Maybe if I didn’t miss human contact, the friendship Brooke and I once had, or Kc for that matter i’d tell Brooke just to go and I’m not. Idk.

Speaking of brooke reminds me I talked to Tiff today. She had some exciting news to tell me, posted on my facebook wall to call her..so I did. All for her to just tell me that she finally got this hot girls number, and to inform me she MAY have found someone who fucks better then me. I laughed at her and said you haven’t had sex with me while I had a dick, It gets not better then this right hurrrrr. lol Anyways, we ended up talking for awhile, she asked me about the trip to Florida, and I told her I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. I was dying to see her, and she is me as well, I just don’t know about the entire group that would be going down there ya know. Brooke and Her get along wtih alot of people that i don’t and i’m not sure who exactly Brooke is trying to plan to go on this little trip. I will have to put much more thought into it, and figure out what is the best for me, and my visiting/ work schedule. To soon o really care about, must think about the now.

Tomorrow I’ll be applying to a factory as well. Maybe two jobs will come out of all my hard work…i could only hope, It would finally mean I could give her everything I have been dying to.

D.j