Jus a little more

I tried- Bone Thugs Ft akon

I had really forgot all about this song, I’m currently listening to it and I have an odd sense of ease. I have been beating myself up alot recently for so many reasons I have create 2 different wars for myself. I’m battling with my self over so many things, along with battling society for to just except me, or some what understand. The song has reminded me how far I have really come, which I sometimes forget. I have made it out of the hood, I am a very intelligent young man, especially for having slightly above a 10th graders education. I am very talented when it come to drawing, writing, and dancing, even though I hide it, forgot it. I stopped really drawing around 17 or so, because I want my mother to be as proud of me for my hard work as she was for my brother and his drawing and such, but she never was. I tried to show her my poetry and bring her into that aspect of my life, but she pretty much put me down about it, So I quit. Over the past 2 years or so I have slowly picked it back up. I started a project on a wall when I lived in Cleveland, but I never had the chance to finish due to not being allowed back at that house after being kicked out. It was going to be pretty awesome. I drew small little things for Tiff and Alyda but I only gave Alyda one of them. I pretty much threw them all away after spending hours pointing out every flaw, then telling my self they were garbage. I recently started drawing out my next tattoo. It has turned out incredible, definitely better then I had expected. So I have to say I am proud of it 🙂

I find my self doing more and more things that help me feel slightly better about myself. Being able to get up move and do soemthing with my time instead of laying in this bed and withering away into  nothing. I still have not found a job, which reminds me, I am waiting for kohl’s to still call me back. I’m scared they called yesterday morning when Sara’s phone was completely turned off because she lost it (or someone stole it) and she didnt want anyone making call, they couldn’t even leave a message. 🙁 I am going to wait until monday to hear something if not I’m going to called just in case. I’m trying to find away back into mentor on monday because I wan’t to find the few places i saw hiring over there. jump on that shit real quick. Also monday I’ll be calling this burger place I put one in at and the gas station which is wear I’m hoping to be. Just would be great, I would much rather not work in fast food.

I have found my self doing something I haven’t in a whille. Sara and I will be driving some where, or jsut be some where,and I’ll find my self just staring at her and…breathing her into me…if you will. "It’s moment like these I realize I love her" is what I call them. I have random times where something will occur and it just makes me literally stop in my tracks take a deep breath in smile and think to my self " times like these make me know i love her..". There also the times of the day I get insane thoughts running through my head. it makes me start wondering if she really loves me to. Like honest to god loves me, and if I honest to god love her. Like what if it just feels right, but we are both jsut broken and battered its a strong infatuation. Then I think of how every single god damn time she tells me she loves me, or we jsut lay there embraced in one and other my heart pinches because of how amazing that amount of passion feels like running through my veins. I leave it to the fact I’m terrified of being hurt. I get so paranoid I spaz and we end up fighting about something. Ontop of other stress it all these insane thoughts just get so intense I want to explode. She always wants to ask whats wrong but how am I suppose to explain all of this to her? Like she would freak out because I said I’m scared of weather she really lvoes me or i really love her, it’s like it’s not that I’m second guessing it, but like…what if? I dont want to be apart from her, I have plans for my future and She’s apart of them. I’m not quite sure how far she see’s us going, I just hope it’s some along the same lines of what i have in mind, which I’m not if sure if it makes any sense, but that thought, that love is there. I feel like I’m vey confused of how I could feel so deeply for someone, after everything that I had jsut went through, and how much I did care and love that girl. I want to understand the way’s of the hear, and I guess its killing me that I can’t. It’s a hard thing to try and write, it jsut sounds like a bunch of crossing thoughts…jibberish.

Maybe when I can organize my thoughts a little more I’ll write a little more, I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface,.but my neck hurts to back to continue sitting here and type. A little vent a day on different subjects…or every few days lol but ill be free of thoughts and I can begin to stack them into sense. We’re getting there

D.j