“Safe”

So I guess there’s a few things to update in my life. I mean since my last entry honestly makes me sound like I’m going off the deep end, like I’m some sort of lunatic, and have completely hit rock bottom. Things are rough, my head is constantly like a black hurricane swirling with these thoughts so fast I can’t barely understand thm or what they mean, or even where there coming from. Things from not knowing when I’m going to have a job to have the income togo to my first doctors appointment, or even by my self a damn pop. Some days it really gets to me and others I can just lay there and She’ll tell me it’s going to be ok..and i actually believe her, so it doesn’t hurt as bad. I’m forcing my self to go out and put job aplications in even though, even the thought of someone seeing me makes me want to vomit. I guess I have hit an ultimate low in self esteem. Never in my self have I felt so insecure and…vunerable to just human contact.

( I just had to put this on pause to walk up and sit with Sara for her break, go grab ciggs and shit aswell. This bitch at the store ma’am’d me in every fucking sentance she made. Is it wrong for me to want to rip her fucking head off?)

Anywho, hmm I havent talked to my mom in days and it..has struck me as odd because she usually says soemthing to me or answers my phones calls..and she hasn’t. It makes me miss my family alot. Like wtf did I do for you not to answer my calls and not ahve A.j call me when I ask. Thats fucking bullshit. My brother sent a text message to Saras phone saying he needed my opinion on something that is very personal. It could deal with the fact of him "coming out" as trans, or soemthing totally opposite of that. Just stricks me as odd I havent talked to him since the funeral.

I told Sara I loved her yesterday. It’s something that has cross my mind ALOT! Very very frequently and i jsut bit my lip and swollowed it. It never made sense of how I could be falling in love with her and still felt the way that I did for Alyda. I fought with myself for a long time tht I was just in desperate need of someone loving me. Though over the past month or two the signs have just been over whelming, and I finally felt like it was "safe", it was "right" to say. I have never let the words "I love you" fall out of my mouth to someone and it feel so…right. Like it hurts, and I can barely contain how much I care for this woman. It’s like even when I don’t think she could make me feel more loved, BAM she smacks me in the face with this heart wrentching, breath stealing, emotional…explosion. ugh I am literally shaking thinking about it. Though its not like aback omg I’m made shaking like…I’m bursting in life in a sense a completely body orgasm if you will. I held back from writing my thoughts about this prior to just in case of her reading it or it slipping before I wanted it to. I can sit and kiss this girl for hours on end with out even get sick of it. I laugh until my sides fucking ache and keep on going. This relationship has blossomed into something that I have never imagined in my entire life. I have been told (since Sara screamed to the word I finally said it) everyone said it was about time that we realized it because everyone else already has. Once I was informed of this it just made me see us for how everyone else sees us and not just from my insecure perspective. mmm honestly…this is..she…is awsome.

umm im hungry so…on that note tootles!

D.j