Autobiography for therapy.

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I hope that everyone can read this, this isn’t the one that I’m giving to them but this was the first one I wrote then realized it was like five pages long printed out so one I type up the other one, or Sara types it up I’ll post that one as well..comments are welcome I suppose.

   I was born September 16, 1989 in Gardfield heights, Ohio at 4 am and if I had known any better then, I would have made it very clear that I was "special". My soul and mind wasn’t exactly matching my outer apperance and body structure. As early as first grade I remember having crushes on girls and feeling akward in gym, and other parts of school and life that plastered that invisible line between boys and girls. I could never understand why I always had to sit with the girls on the "girls side" during class games, though I was so young I couldn’t exactly explain to not only myself, but teachers being so young I wanted to be able to be just like the boys. Once I reached second grade I can remember fighting with my mother about things that I would wear to school. I wasn’t ever fond of the pinks, yellows, and light greens she continuously tried to dress me in, so I began chosing my own clothes to wear to school or I had always changed into darker colors before leaving for school. My entire childhood I was never found playing hopscotch or jumprope as something i liked as my sister did who isn’t much younger then me. It was always soccer, basketball, football, or cops and robbers that called to my interests. My early enjoyments in life lead me to have majoity male friends through elementry and middle school, it also intern made me a very with drawn child in fear of akwardness. I became envious and jealous of the boys I was hanging out with because they were growing older hitting puberty changing different then me. I remember not wanting to be a cheerleader, I was never mad because I didn’t make the team or jealous because another person took my place on the team, but because I wasn’t a boy. It was a hard concept to understand when you see your females peers that you should be following some sort of general path but I was following the general path and mannerisms of the boys. Once I reached middle school I was old enough to know that there was access to a world of internet, books, communities, and so many options to be able to inform myself about anything I could possibly ever what to know about. I started researching about the ways I felt and came across a few sex change articles and stories. Right around that time I saw a show on t.v about it and it really began to open up my eyes, realizing that I wasn’t as crazy as I was feeling, that I wasn’t as alone or weird as I had thought, that there wasn’t just something wrong with me. Middle school was like opening the door into who I really am. I began wearing what I wanted, acting as I wanted, and disregaurding what anyone had thought and or said about me, it’s how I felt comfortable.

            Between the ages of 10-14 were the most akward, uncomfortable, confusing years of my entire life. Puberty, envy, body confusion, and school and dying to be excepted had built for a very distant and silent person. All these changes were happening and it was changes I wanted nothing to do with. The first time I ever got my period I remember running to my mother crying her telling her that there was something wrong that this shouldn’t be happening to me. Still to this day that one week a month still feels unnatural for it be happening to me. I was about 13 when I broguht it to my mothers attention that I was attracted to girls. She thought it was a phase until a few months letter I told her "my friend" she was taking me to see every weekend was really my girlfriend. It took her about a year to realize this wasn’t a phase that I was going through. Around mt early teenage years is when I picked up a nick name that I began to go by because it was more of a masculine name then my birth name, and I felt fit me at the time. Over the years I began wearing more boyish clothes, and more of my brothers uniforms to school so I didnt have to wear the tight pants and shirts to school. When I turned 14 I began to beg  my mother to cut my hair short, but she never allowed me. For years I  asked her then I reached about 16 got fed up being told no because I was a girl, I finally just chopped it all off one day. It was some what of a shock to my family, not shocked because I had cut my hair out of no where but because I went behind my mothers back and did so. Once I cut my hair, the summer before 10th grade school was fine, though once I returned for my sophomore year I never thought things would get as bad as they did. My peers weren’t as open minded as myself or my family, I began to constantly get into fights with other students because of comments being made or physically attacking me just for the fact of them not liking the idea of who I am. Reaching 11th grade I was getting to old to be dealing with the constant fighting, suspensions, missing school in fear of getting into a fight or jumped, I finally just dropped out half way through the year. For a child who had they’re mind set for years that he was going to be the first to graduate in his fa

mily, ever,  have to leave for fear of what his peers do not understand, it takes a little bit out of your pride. The benifit is I know when I do get my G.E.D this year I am going to feel more accomplished then ever before. Its going to mean that much more to me just because of the struggle it was just to be able to prove my 13 yrs of hard work and determination.

            After deopping out of school  instantly started working so I could move out of my mothers house, and I did. Once I was on my own I opened my self up to the world a little more and got my self really involved in the LGBT community, which seemed to be the only place I semi fit into. I met alot of people and reunited with alot. A friend that I reunited with, Tiffany, was my main support system and guide through the begining steps of understanding and getting to know what exactly it was to be transgendered. She showed me people and places I could go for support or for answers to my millions of questions. I had never met someone who was transgendered to know the things that are possible, the processes you can go through to change, I knew pretty much nothing other then what I had read offline until end of 07/08. Meeting other people who are transgendered and had been through or going through what I was/ wanted to was a door I needed to be opened to help me understand what exactly my emotions were telling me, that the computer information I had read just wasn’t helping me with. In Dec of 08 I chose my named Damien J. Knyht. It was originally just going to be my drag name ( which I had just recently discovered Drag ) but it had seemed just to stick and fit me so well I had decided that is that name I wanted for the rest of my life. I didnt debate my name for long it just sort of fell together and stuck in all the right ways. A few month prior to me chosing my name and finding my self among the drag world I began to grow my leg and arm pit hair. Right around the same time another trans friend I knew told me how he was taking DHEA to thicking his hair on his face and body, also to deepen his voice. I tried it in desprate need of feeling a little more secure with my appearence. It took me awhile after having problems with sleeping and emotional spikes, I looked into the effects DHEA could have on someone. I was having horrible night sweats and night terrors, uncontrolable anger. It not only was messing with my testosterone levels it was messing with my estrogen level in all the wrong ways. So I quit taking it for fear of my long tearm health. The first few months of 2009 is when I told my mother and the rest of my family that I lived with at the time. It was about that time to let them know how I felt and what I was begining in my life. Sort of give them a heads up of the body hair before summer came, also that I was going to be looking into therapy and really getting serious about the changes I wanted, that its really how I felt and just not another "phase" that I was going through. That it wasnt my sexuality I was uncomfortable with it was my self I was uncomfortable with, but now that’s all going to change, finally.

            Since I have come out as trans to everyone in my life, I decided that I would document what I was feeling, the stuggles I encountered in society and general public. I started it many months before therapy to be able to give as much of my life I could to those who were interested in educating them selves or the younger generations that need a friend or someone to help sort and help inform them of what they maybe going through. I have videos on youtube, and a personal diary open to the public with links from both my facebook and myspace pages. I exstended my hand to ‘Ask Cleveland’ a few months back for a volenteer project to gather signatures for Transgendered rights we have been lacking in ohio. I also have always given a helping hand to all who contact me for any place they could find answers to questions they ask that I may not be able to answer. I plan to continue to document my changes and health, emotional changes I may experience through my videos nd personal journal pages, along with using facebook and myspace. I’d rather the world be educated a little be more then to continuously be ignorant to something they are afraid to understand.

            Once I have started my hormones I’m going to file for my name change and gender marker change, finally focus on top surgery doctors, to farther my transition. I have made it through one small step of this process of becoming myself and it’s time for the next. I have waited for so long to be able to legally be able to live and function in society as the man that I am. It’s time to breathe a little relax a little knowing that I am on my way to feeling more confident in myself, my appearence, secure in who I am. I wish to be able to finally be able to start college, possibly major in something in law enforcement or computer programming, something I know that I’ll enjoy. Even possibly have a normal schooling experience with out the constant childish discrimination and violence. I want to live stealth eventually, have a loving family and wife that loves me for everything, and kids that have a loving father and home atmosphere. I plan to continue to document my trasition, continue to inform, and continue my transition until I feel complete. It’s a long path ahead not to be taken to fast, patience is a virtue and my journey through life is a constant reminder of that. It’s finally time to make my life into everything I have ever pictured it to be.

            The first time I told my family about me being attracted to women, it came to them as a shock but nothing to much was said or commented on since I was so young. My mother has always excepted it, she may not have understood but she always stood by my side, fought for me and what I felt and believed in. My father took it pretty much the same way. He just excepted it, cracked his jokes as thats just in him to do.He hasn’t exactly expressed to much as towards me being transgendered, but did say he would always love me. It took ahile for my younger sister Elizabeth who is 19 to come around, thought which is understandable for knowing this person who you have lived with your entire life to be known something and just up and expect it to change. Change is difficult to grasp and except, and it just needs time and education. Once i told my mother I was trans she sort of jsut knew that it had been coming. She took it a while to adjust to the pronouns and name as expect but does now currently refer to me as both and correct others who use differently. My other siblings full except and started using the pronouns and my name. Majority of my friends have been full committed and are as excited and eager for this as I am. The girls that I have dated as well have supported me, some realtionships I have been with have had struggles through the understand the whole

concept but was worked out. My current girlfriend has never been with or even met some who is transgendered, though she continues to amaze me on how interested and eager she is to learn more and be there to see the changes that I am physically, mentally, and spiritually go through. She has been more then supportive of me, has been there for me through the highs and low. I’m  a man that is more then lucky to have the people that I now surround myself with to be there for me and make this transition, experience and life an amazing thing to be apart of.

Dj