Philosopher isnt my cup o’ tea

I had attempted to go and get my binder from Cassie today, but just as Ih ad thought once I got there that she let someone use the car and I wasn’t going to be able to figure which house it was and that she wasnt home..but she was. So I have to wait until tomorrow it have. Which I have to have it because I have orientation on Monday. I suppose  I’d feel more comfortable if it was already here. I’m axious to get it because they are going to refer to me as Damien and he, and I just dont want anyone to suspect anything ya know….mean..i don’t want the "squishy’s" to show hahaha. Makes me nervous, and off set because getting is hasnt gone my way. I’d just feel more secure if it was in my possession.

Brooke and i went to Amys to pick up green, while we were waiting we just kicked it bullshiited, first time that I saw Big tittie Steph in months, and surprisingly we actually talked. It was decent, I carried the Christmas tree up for her..make me drive 35 miles to carry up a Christmas tree….just wanted to see me flex my muscles..haha j.k. It wasa good time to just get out. Kinda of different because we actually talked to each other, instead of the usual jsut bea tthe hell out of it each other anytime the other one was looking in a different direction. What can I say we have an odd relationship with one another.

Alyda and I have been fighting alot. Really bad actually, I broke into tears yesterday after she left for work. I can’t handle fighting with her, could possibly be why I don’t talk much about what is going on in my life. It’s all over the common things, cleaning, listening and communicating with each other, me getting my own place, Tiff and what i really ment by not talking to her and why i wanted her not to, little bit of trans stuff. Since she came home last night things have been ok, we had amazing sex, and everything this morning has been perfect so far, loving cuddling, playing around, her cooking me eggs…well she only half cooked em bc she smacked me in the face with a slice of ham and then ran hahaha.

Apperently Brookes mom is scared about us working together and it ruining our friendship. Which I can understand because she works with Kari and it has in a sense made Brooke hate her…atleast her managment skills. I don’t think I’ll be a problem though, just because of the simple fact Brooke and I, as she stated yesterday while we were talking, we work well together when we are teamed up.  Alsp get along well for the most part. So I’m very much so look forward to it, makes it a little easier and less nerve wracking to know that I’m going to have some I know to work with instead of that first akward few days on the job. I don’t if we’ll have the same work shedule, but its still a comforting feeling.

I reefed my brain out yesterday, I sort of needed it after the fight with Alyda, my nerves were so raddled and worn out I just needed something fun to get my mind of things. I kind of saw my limit and stopped….when i fell asleep brooke was stilla wake and took the rest ith her. Kinda made me made she could have left me a bowl or something concidering she had one packed in her bowl "edward" and there was 2-3 left…kinda selfish..made me mad when i woke up. Though what ever its nothing to serious I’ m over it.

I haven’t talked to Stacie in a few days. I hope she’s ok, i think taking a break from talking to her might get things to settle down for a while within the apt. Simmer down the fighting and tension a little.  Hopefully it’ll do some good, not so sure though. On top of the fact i think I just need to have my space from Stac. Talking to her everyday or every other day drives me insane, I just have so much to be talked about and expressed, my emotions get entirely to much for me to even handle and keep things together. She has a way of making everything come rushing back, and not nessecarly in good manner. Anger, hate, rage, bitterness, love, caring, the whole nine all rolled into one. I have been thinkiing maybe I can’t handle having a friendship with her.

I guess Tiff found Brookes OD and read it and wasn’t to happy with what was said and it really upset her, I can’t say I entirely feel bad, but i am sorry it upset her. Between the two of them they have said some mean thigns to and about one and other. it’s rediculous, but i do understand boths point of view on each matter. Just something we’re better left unsaid, or thigns should ahve been talking about at a decent level instead of taking the most hurtful things and flinging them are eachother. I am not the fan that Ashley tried to attack alyda saying why does everyone do that to Tiff (up and leave her and not talk to her) Ashley doesnt know much of what has happened over the year, and I understand shes trying to be there for and stick up for her girlfriend, but something it sbtter if you leave other peoples business alone. In time the truth comes out and the truth is coming out about alot recently and not so much of it is good on tiffs park, so everyone is feel betrayed or lied to by her, granite it was all i nthe past, the past still hurts, and makes people bitter, and wonder how they could ahve been so stupd…atleast in my book pages. Just very much dislike when someone nosess ther way into something they know nothings of and wasn’t there for. The more time passes the more i personally find out the things that tiff has lied to me about, alot of  it was from when her and I we’re together, and it just enrages me, becuase i tried so hard for so long to makes her happy even though i wasn’t hole heartedly in it, because she seemed so miserable with out me. I’d pick up and drop girls becuase anytime I picked pne up tiff got jealous and miserale so i dropped them and jsut did pretty uch what she wanted to, and what i could bare to do. It made me miserable, anf i recently found out when Alyda was at the hosue and tiff and her supposivly didnt do anything Alyda just put her cow boy hat on they had already fucked. Tiff told me that they had JUST met (lie) and handle done anything (LIE) i know its i nthe past but fuck dude you makng me feel guilty for going to seeing my ex, and checking my self into and institute and your out fucking girls…made me feel every insecure, I’m a man, shes a girl…and Tiffs a lesbian..took a shot at my man hood I guess you could say. It just realy made me made becuase if I would have known then i probaly would ahve moved out sooner and started getting my life together sooner instead of it going into the mess it got into (The Great Depression).

All of it just makes me wonder how diffferent, how great, or even how much worse off my life could could be. What kind of turned it could have taken if everyone is just honest in the first place instead of living on lies, life could be so much easier and less hurtful. i guess I’m analyzing and thinking entirely to much. Being a philosopher is not my cup of tea…

That’s all for now..

D.j