Dumbfounded.

I know its been ages.

I’m writing of course, for the same reason that I always inevitably come back here…..pain.

For the past year I have been on-and-off seeing C. We would hang out on weekends, celebrate holidays together, and the like. But we weren’t officially together.
I tried my best to keep myself emotionally distant.

Thursday night she calls me, and out of the blue says "I can’t do this any longer, sorry."
We talked for awhile after that, but in truth thats all it really came down too. I told her I didn’t understand….but I also told her that I knew that she needed to do whatever she needed to do.

She kept mumbling about me "hanging out with her nephew even after we stop seeing each other" but my mind wisked right past that.

So i spent this past weekend alone. On the good side, I had a new video game to comfort me. On the bad side, I really need to get my shit together.

I need to decide whether I am going to move home to PA or not. This july. Otherwise, there is no real point to me waiting. 2 more years till reciprocity is 2 years too many.

The scariest part of all was how happy i was. Because, though I am loathe to admit it, I had alot of fun this past year. I liked hanging with C, but apparently that is not enough. I don’t pretend to understand it. But I’ll say this, I was much more prepared than last time.
Hurt yes. Downward spiral like last time? Likely not. Just large amounts of heartache and pain.

I did drive to quincy last night and go shopping. I bought myself two fancy dress shirts which I like extensively. Still, in my heart I’m hoping that C calls me back and we keep seeing each other.
I mean, it was only Halloween that she was smiling, laughing and sitting on my lap calling me "boyfriend."

I wish, truly wish, more than anything, that she would just talk to me. About things. But alas, that never happens, and it always goes like this.

-In other more positive news, for some reason my cell phone now has full bars in my apartment. Which means I can cancel my home phone, which I have been wanting to do for months. Thats like 30 bucks a month saved. Sweet.

I have a big, big, big jury trial this friday. I am so nervous. I also now have no thanksgiving plans, or a date for the Bar christmas party.

Sigh. I just want a nice, family life. Why can’t I make it work. Sigh. Why.

Oodles o’ love,
Erotique