On Dreams and Finality

My sleep cycle, and overall impetus for life has been seemingly inverted for the past week; ive been placing my head upon the pillow around 6-7pm, and waking up at roughly 3-4AM. I blame this all on the fact that i actually spend a few moments of each day actually studying, and that my already overburdened mind honestly has no room for the extra exertion.

My mind has been doing crazy things of late…and the dream world has been a place i have been not-to happy to return too, for a number of reasons:

First, i had a number of dreams involving my stepfather. These always disconcert me because he is the only and only individual in the world i truly, totally and completely hate. He was a terrible parent, and while most people would chuck it up to the random physical beatings (which did leave a mark or 2)…those i always handled no problem, after all the physical never really bothered me that much, even as a kid. The deeper, more dramatic tone arises because he was a dream-shatterer, and a killer of self esteem. "I wanna be a X when i grow up.." i would say "you could never do that, dummy" would be the reply, or something of equally dastardly notation. Coupled with other members of my family and their misguided attempts at "what is be best for me" they almost won, and i almost never made it to this place, the place i am now; educated, wideeyed and happy, and at 27. My saving grace has always been the depths of my spite, and i remember back in middleschool/highschool getting the highest grades, going on "gifted" trips to DC, France, etc, even when my family wouldn’t fund, because the government, amusingly enough, thought it would be better if i went. So many stories, so many fun times, and so much power. But enough about that, part of my childhood, i swear has been blocked out.

Second, i had more than one dream involving Britte. (My girlfriend from college, and one of the most important, and lifechanging portions of my life.) -In the dream, i ran into her and she blurted out how she was married now, and i looked on disbelief…not because she couldn’t/shouldn’t be able to get boys (oh she should, shes one of the most interesting people i have ever met, and unbelievably beautiful to boot), but rather because, on at least one or two levels, i always felt she was like me in that respect…she was never one of those girls who "always needed a man" and i saw so much strength in her, which is why i was so attracted to her, and vice versa. Of course, we ended up almost destroying each other, and the bitterness is so bad we cannot hold a decent conversation. And i still have a living reminder of her, Isis (my cat)…she was our "daughter" that we found out in the yard of our apartment the summer before senior year of college, at good ol’ Penn State.

Third, none of my friends wanted to go see Narnia with me, which makes me extremely sad. Still, i think i’m going to go today regardless, since its playing right down the street, and i’ll go myself if i have to. Sigh, i need more friends who actually like the things i do. (ah well, im only here for a few more months…then its back home, where, if nothing more, my friends actually like fantasy/roleplaying things.

-If this entry has a sad tone, i apologize. I’ve been so stuffed up in my apartment i barely witnessed the snowfall, and i haven’t yet managed to even consider going sledding. On the plus side, in one more week i am going home.

And its soon going to be christmas. I love christmas time so much, i still feel like im 8 years old every christmas, i still wake up at like 6am for my presents, and i still run around like i’ve never done it before. Truly, whoever came up with the holiday, for whatever reason, was a genius. Now, if only i can pass corporations.

Oodles o’ love, 

Erotique