please…

Please get him out of my head. 

Out of my heart.

Out of my dreams.
OUT OF MY F’N desires. 

. . .

He is not good for me. 
He is not mine. 
He will never be mine
…nor do i really want him to be…knowing who he has become. 
. . .
Yet it is hard for me to stop thinking of him, to not conjure up memories from "us" when i’m about to fall asleep at night. 
I am NOT crazy…just holding onto the last "meaningful" relationship i’ve had in my life. 

UGH.
My friends are tired of hearing it….
….i’m tired of feeling it.

He could give to craps how i feel about anything. 
. . .
I’ve "dated" since him…well i’ve gone on date…ish’s? 
Not really…that’s a lie. 
I’ve talked to maybe 2 guys in the last…oh three years and none of them went anywhere.

I’ve kissed 2 guys since Stephen…in the last, almost 4 years. One was Josh—bah, he was just to get over stephen (josh is now married with a kid)…and the other was Joseph…who was just to help fill a void (joseph now has a kid). 
Both empty.
Both meaningless.

. . .
Stephen’s had three different (longer than 6 month) relationships since me…go him.
I know i’m to be patient.
To be faithful to the Lord.
To not even want to be with Stephen.
Some days i’m strong.
Some moments i’m weak.
This is a weak moment. 
. . .
Stephen has become someone i don’t even recognize. 
He’s run by his worldly passions. 
He isn’t as caring.
He isn’t as transparent.
In fact, he’s very guarded…and unrecognizable to the man i fell in love with. 
He is not them man i loved.
He will never be that man again. 

. . .
This is me just processing some thoughts. 
Venting.
Unloading.
Hoping to bring healing. 
Healing comes from discussing the issue…
I once was told…
"If you still talk about it, you still care about it"
Aint that the truth. 
I still care about it.

it=him
him=stephen

stephen=douche
. . .
So with all of that being said…
I’m doing alright. Taking each day as it comes. 
Letting my heart heal moment by moment instead of just putting a temporary fix/band-aid over it and expecting to feel better in the long run.

. . .
How are y’all?!