Reality & Dreams

 This past weekend i went on a mini-vacation with my roommate. We got a deal through living social and were able to get a super cute cottage for friday and saturday night! We mostly spent the time walking around the quiet sea-side town, enjoying the cute local shops and fantastic restaurants, and hanging out in our cold (we kept it on like 60!!) cabin watching cable (yes, we don’t have cable so when we’re able to watch it we are like kids in a candy shop). 
It was great, and i plan on posting pictures soon (once i get them uploaded) so keep checking back. 
. . .
I did have two things throw me for a loop this weekend. 
I’ll start with Josh. 
No, no not the alabama Josh that doesn’t have the "gumption" to do anything about pursuing a relationship with me, this is a different Josh. 
I’ve mentioned in him a few times about…oh three years ago. Right after Stephen and I broke up i started seeing Josh, mostly to get my mind off of what i didn’t want to think about or even feel. Josh and I had flirted/had chemistry for years (since we had first met) but i never even thought of letting it be anything because i was devoted to Stephen. Once Stephen and i ended…Josh just came naturally. We had a "summer fling" i guess if you would call it that, we kissed, talked about a future with us being in a relationship [he really wanted to pursue that, so he said], we talked about his fears, and then he ended up being a douche…naturally. The short end of the story is that while he was at camp he reconnected with an old flame and he felt like he wanted to pursue her…cool story bro. So i backed off and told him that if that is what he wanted then i was fine with that. I guess i should probably face the music and deal with the emotions that i hadn’t touched in regards to Stephen. Well, he came home to visit about two weeks later and we were all hanging out at his place (his roommates were two of my good friends and all of us hung out at their house on the regular). I got up to go to the bathroom during the movie and when i came out Josh was standing there. He placed one hand on my waist and slid the other under my ear and through my hair and kissed me. To say i was confused was an understatement. The next day i told him we needed to talk about it, and he blew me off. I finally told him i was done with his games and he could tell his gf that he had cheated on her with me. 
Fast forward 10(ish) months when Maria (the roommate) and I were on a roadtrip and were hanging out in West Virginia about to head to Alabama when my phone goes off. It was Josh, he was wondering where we were on our road trip (he was living in Texas going to school). I was A. surprised to hear from him as we didn’t talk in forever and B. was weirded out as to why he would be texting me. I told him we were heading to Alabama next and he texted me telling me i should come to Texas and see him. WHAT?! I asked him what his FIANCE (yes they were engaged at this point) thought about that, he said she wasn’t living in Texas and he was lonely. Yeah…douche. No Thank YOU!
Ok now that the backstory is complete, let’s explain how it threw me for a loop. 
I was sitting at dinner with my friends last night when Jared (Josh’s old roommate) goes, "So Amy, guess who’s moving back here…" (and lauren, my friend and Jared’s gf said "with his wife and soon to be child") and i knew it… "Josh" i mumbled. "Yup." Find to figure out he is interviewing for some jobs in the area and its a strong possibility they are moving back here…after asking a few questions i half-heartidly said "well, good for them, that’s great." Lauren said that i didn’t sound very genuine. I mean i am HAPPY that he is happy, and that his life is going according to plan…but why would i be thrilled that he could be moving back here AND hanging out with the group of friends that i do?! 
Ugh. 
I mean how would you feel? 
bahhhhhhh gag me. 
. . .
Loop #2 
I dream a lot, some times i remember my dreams and other times i don’t. This weekend i didn’t have a problem remembering parts from each night. 
Friday night maria said i mumbled in my sleep, she said that i sounded like i was in pain. 
I was. I was fighting with Stephen. We were yelling about something and i was crying. I just remember screaming at him and slamming a door and having it crash into a million pieces. 
I don’t remember anything else….but this is one of the first times i’ve dreamed about Stephen in a LONG time. Maybe it has something to do with him contacting me recently…i’m sure that has something to do with it. 
I don’t remember fully Saturday night’s dream…but last night…last night was confusing. 
Stephen made an appearance again. 
We were talking about relationships…sex to be quite honest and the next thing i knew i was sitting in his lap with my head tucked under his chin. I don’t remember the conversation other than him talking into my ear and moving the hair out of my face. [WTF?! I have no idea either.] And then we went to my Aunt’s house where he got all excited and gave her a huge hug and spun her around?! I remember laughing and being happy and then i woke up with the biggest headache ever. 
I honestly don’t know why he’s hanging out in my dreams. I don’t really spend time thinking about him, or mulling over things from the past. I’ve put all of that behind me. Yet, there he is…comforting me in my dreams. Maybe subconsciously i still "wish there was something there"…i mean sure that could be it. I loved Stephen a lot, and i’ll always carry a love for him, but that doesn’t mean i’m IN love with him; man i haven’t been IN love with him for a few years. 
I don’t know. 
My head is full of cobwebs. 
I just wanted to write out my thoughts so that maybe they wouldn’t keep bouncing around my head.