Dreaming…

 "I told you the day would come when you could not dream without seeing my face. Welcome to the dawn that will haunt your new life" 
-myself. 

I find that i’m haunted the most within my dreams. During my day to day life i’m able to either suppress or move past thinking about certain people, situations, memories and move on with my life. However when i dream, it is a completely different story. 
Some nights…are better than others. I rarely have nightmares and more often than not forget what i was dreaming the moment i wake up, but other nights…those beautiful dreams that are unfolded during the night only tend to haunt me hours, days, weeks after i awake. 
Words left unsaid, loved ones i haven’t seen in a long time, beautiful "what-ifs" actually lived out….all incredible, all incredibly sad. 
While i know that the happily ever after moments within my dream really are anything but that, it still echos throughout my head the rest of the day. I replay stolen moments, secret whispers, and joyful smiles until i could spew everything about love stories and romance. 
It makes me sick.
It isn’t real life, obviously, and i know that romance/relationships are not built off of a girls nightly dreams. Yet i can’t control them, i can’t control the images, the words, the people, who walk into my dreams and occupy my mind for the amount of time that they do. 
. . .

I awoke this morning to a ray of dusty light shining through my window. My hair was spilled over the pillow, sheets tangled, and my left arm completely asleep. I clicked my tongue to the roof of my mouth and listened to the sound resonate off of the walls. I was awake, however still fully consumed in the previous moments spent with someone who danced throughout my mind all night. Many whispers of "I love yous" and always lingering through my clouded mind. Song lyrics sweep through my thoughts and draw me back to the conjured up memories of my moments with him. Him. him. him. 
Why is he there? Clouding my mind, spouting out words i will never truly hear, recreating a different life than what was actually lived. 
I pinch find myself picking up and dropping my left arm attempting to wake it out of it’s slumber. I know i must focus on the present, on the reality, on the truth that is within these four walls, of the current state of my heart…yet i’m drawn back into the hazy false memories of a life never had. Interesting isn’t it? I pull myself up and stretch my arms high listening to the shifting disks within my spine. I hear everything so clearly first thing in the morning. I allow myself to readjust to the present moment, to the reality of my life…savoring the fact that i’m alive and well and able to embark on a new day. 
Dreams haunt me. 
Always. 
This past nights dream was not uncommon. I dream of him often and while most of the time it is no longer laced with a romantic undertone, he is still there…still my friend. 
The night before was about my mother, cooking in our kitchen, singing hymns and laughing when i dropped the flour everywhere. 
The night before i was within a luscious field laying on a blanket laughing and telling secrets with a faceless man. 
Always haunted. 
Haunted has a negative conation doesn’t it? Some days i hate that the dream memories linger, and other days i find comfort in them, like the night i was able to spend cooking with my mom. 
Regardless, i’m thankful i am able to dream, to allow my subconscious to work through situations, thoughts, and emotions. I’m thankful to unwind. 
. . .
just processing some random thoughts.