Steven [*EDIT*]

 Remember Steven…?
I wrote about him here http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp a few days/weeks ago. 
Well…hmmm…..
I came home last night after a CRAZY long day and i had a message in my "other" [it’s the little place under your messages on facebook]. I clicked on it and found myself sucking in the longest breath ever all the while my eyes were bulging out of my head. It was from Steven…and it simply said "….hey." I immediately went to his page and it’s completely private…but this is a totally NEW page. (refresher, remember i found him a month ago and then he blocked me after i friend requested him….yeah)
Here is the run down of how it all has gone since then. 
Steven 
…..hey.

Amy
hey….
how are you?

Steven 
I guess I’m ok. A lot has changed. I have changed. It’s taken a while to figure somethings out. I have been a jerk for ignoring you for so long. I am sorry for that. But I needed that time to figure out who I was going to be. I think I am there. I guess, I just want you to know how sorry am I for ignoring you for so long. I have met a lot of people and very few have been as amazing as you have been.

Amy
Thank you for saying all of that. 
I understand taking some time and figuring out where you stand in life and where you are heading…it is never an easy or short journey. I think it’s awesome that you feel you’ve finally arrived at a place where you are gaining a foothold and taking positive steps forward. That is definitely a great place to be in life. 
I’m honestly unsure of how to respond to you steven…you’ve really, really hurt me. I’ve been thinking for years that i’ve done something that has upset you, or that pushed you away….that i’ve been in the wrong and that is why you cut me out of your life with no warning. I’ve re-played our friendship over and over in my head and tried to figure out what i did that had caused you to act the way you have towards me. 
Thank you for your apology, i appreciate that more than you know. 
There are many questions i have, some that i will not ask just out of polite respect for you and your life…but i do have one that has been weighing on me. However i’m not ready to ask it yet…i’m afraid you’re going to stop talking to me again and then i’ll be left without an answer. 
So i’ll start with something simple.
How are you….REALLY?
. . .
So that’s the conversation so far….i’m curious if he will respond, if he really desires to continue a friendship or if this is some sort of "closure" on his end.

The REAL question i want to ask him is about his feelings from high school, and if that played into why he hasn’t talked to me. 

i dont know, i’m all over the place with this issue right now…UGH it pisses me off. 
WHY would you contact me at the most inopportune time?!?! 

I’ll keep you posted, so keep your eyes out for "edits/updates" 
🙂

. . .
Edit
. . .
 
This is the latest picture of Steven, the best part about it…that shirt is the one he used to wear all of the time when we hung out. 🙂 
So i’ll just update through the messages. 
I’ll be skipping around and cutting out some parts of it; i’m not really sure you’ll understand all of it, but hey it’s more for my memory than yours lol. 

Steven. 
Like I said, I have met A LOT of people. People with different personalities and walks of life, from one end of the spectrum to the other and everywhere in between. And I have learned to better appreciate the people that I have special connections with. You were one of those people.

You should be upset. I understand. But I just thought I would like to talk to you again because you were a very important person in my life at one point.

Amy
Well, thank you for saying that. 
I believe we did have a special connection…i could never really put words to it honestly. 
So why did you walk away? After everything we went through together….it came across like you didn’t want me in your life anymore. It hurt that someone i cared about so deeply could so easily discard me and then cut me out of their lives. 

Steven
Back then, I walked away from everyone. That doesn’t mean that I put you in the same category as everyone else. I just had to cut everyone out and leave. I was very confused about everything. I had to leave and figure things out: who I was, who I was going to become. I had to figure out what else was out there.

Obviously, I could have done it in a more pleasant way for the people that knew me and cared about me. But it was the choice I made and I can’t go back and change it. All I can do is take what I have learned and use it to make me a better person and give myself a happier life.
. . . …..You were so in to religion and God and your goals for becoming a youth minister. I could feel myself falling away from religion. In fact, I don’t even believe in any religion anymore. Not Christianity, not anything

Amy
Hmm. 
I hope you understand how taken aback i am throughout all of these, i mean less than a month ago i tried to friend request you and you blocked me, i’m just so completely confused. 

I mean were you writing me to apologize and bring some closure to the situation, or in hopes of restoring a friendship? I guess i’m just confused and leery as to why after all of my failed attempts at contacting you/building a friendship now you’ve decided to get back in touch. 

Steven

I know, I know. Amy, I wouldn’t mind communicating occasionally. And if I am ever near where you are paying you a visit. But if you are too uncomfortable or can’t get past the hurt, let me know. I will understand. I would just rather know than be talking to you and knowing you would always hold that against me.

I know you sent me that friend request recently. It was that recent that I was still thinking "I haven’t talked to her in so long she just won’t want to talk to me anymore". But I figured only two things were going to com

e from me trying to talk to you: you were going to talk to me or you weren’t.

If we only talked today and you decided you didn’t want to talk anymore, I would understand. But I am just glad that you know that I am sorry for what I did.

Amy
Steven you’ve just got to give me a little time to process and ask questions. You can’t expect me to just throw the hurt away within a day of communication and just start fresh. 

I AM hurt at how you’ve treated me over the last four years, but i also know that i valued what we had as a friendship and that i’ve thought and prayed for you over the years. 

It isn’t something that i’m going to "hold against you" or anything, but again i’ve got to have time to work through emotions. If you are uncomfortable talking about it, well i can’t help you on that lol. 

I’m glad you finally talked to me, and we’re working towards putting this in the past. Thank you again for apologizing, it definitely means a lot to me. Thank you for also understanding if i just don’t want to talk anymore. 
I’m not there right now though. 
I want to know what’s going on in your life, what you’ve been up to the last few years, who your friends are now, etc. 

Just give me time and be patient….and if you can’t, well then i’m not really sure where that would leave us.

Steven
I’m not rushing you. 

. . .
Since then we’ve just been updating each other on our lives. 
It’s been going pretty good. I’m just taking my time and guarding myself. 
I honestly think that something has happened in steven’s life (maybe the end of his 2nd marriage?!?) that has caused him to reflect and think about the important relationships he’s had. I think he’s beginning to realize how many bridges he has burned and how many connections he DOESN’T have. 🙁 
I know that the Lord is calling me to respond gracefully, and to really be patient and loving in my response towards Steven. 
Please be praying for him….for this journey that the Lord has blessed us to walk currently. 
=/