I dont think…

 I will ever understand how so many men have lost the ability to chase what they desire, and to actually have a backbone. I think a lot of it has to do with our society allowing men to bow out and almost applauding the fact that they don’t take charge or "make the decisions". That is not Biblical, and it is not right. Let me be a little personal here. I’m a type-a, outgoing, leader, sometimes bossy (i know my flaws), stubborn, and straight-forward kind of girl. I NEED a MAN who is going to step up to the plate, serve God, and lead not only me but our future family. Passiveness is unattractive, and down right repulsive to me. If you can’t make a decision, if you are not motivated, if you can not take positive steps forward then i will not consider you as a potential for a husband. Does that come across as harsh? Oh well…maybe you need to hear it. 
I recognize that i am not perfect, and that i have a lot of growing up to do on my own, as well as a lot of refining and compromising when it comes to a relationship. Relationships are tricky, they are challenging, and they are meant to push you to become a better version of yourself. I do not expect my future husband to have all of his stuff together, nor do i expect him to fit into a mold i’ve created. The truth is, i DO expect him to fit into the mold of a Biblical man; especially in Ephesians 5: 22-33; just as i should fit the mold of a Biblical woman in that scripture as well as Proverbs 31. 
It takes work people. 
UGH.
Ok so now that my little rant is over let me explain why i’m at this point mentally. 
As i wrote in my last entry, Josh had said some pretty weighty things in regards to us and then left it with "let me pray about it for a week and then we can talk about it". Well, that week has turned into almost three, and i had honestly had enough of it. I am NOT the type of girl to A. sit back and let days turn into weeks, turn into months when a conversation needs to be had. I’m willing to walk into the awkward moment with my hands open and my ears ready to listen and face the confrontation—and i also realize that isn’t for everyone. 
HOWEVER, if you’re going to give me a timeline (one week) and then you let that pass, twice and don’t even acknowledge me with a text, fb comment, or call, it really, really grinds on my nerves. My friends have this little joke about me having a "Gauntlet" when i feel that someone is in the wrong. Now listen, i do my best to ALWAYS approach every situation in love, and to express my emotions, feelings, or thoughts/opinions in a way that is not rude or that will intentionally hurt someones feelings. However one thing i’ve learned is that regardless of how you deliver it, the truth hurts, and most people don’t want to hear it.
. . .
Anyways…
Back to Josh. 
I had finally had enough of waiting around for a call/text to address the situation. OBVIOUSLY if it was going on three weeks after the "i’ll pray about this serious load i just dropped on you that could potentially be life-altering in regards to a relationship and i’ll get back to you" then he had made his decision with his lack of talking to me. 
So i texted him this: 
"So i’m assuming by your lack of response over the last three weeks i have your answer"
He responded I dont know; just forget everything i said. i guess i need to learn to think first."
….
At this point i literally almost threw my phone across the room. I was very, very angry and hurt. More-so hurt. 
…………You see a quick version of the past is this: We were together for a year (long-distance) my junior year of HS, he cheated on me with this girl, and left me for her (i was obviously devastated) and we didn’t talk for a while. We got back into communication and remained friends, however there was always this unresolved/unspoken tension of the whole i’ll always love youdeal. We had conversations about "us" but always decided it wasn’t the right time—until last fall. We had a REAL and LONG and HONEST conversation about us, and the potential for a future. We decided to really dedicate time to praying about it, and not talk for a week and then come back together and see if we were on the same page. Honestly, i was willing to give this a real shot, 100%, the whole deal. We came back together at the end of the week and talked and lo-and behold he ended up sleeping with someone. (Yes, sounds familiar doesn’t it. I take a "fast" and pray and then get cheated on, story of my life). Oh, and that someone was the same girl he cheated on me with in High School. I ended it RIGHT THERE romantically. He really hurt me, shattered me, and i was devastated. We didn’t talk for a while so i could get my mind straight and to see if we could still be friends, then we started talking again, and he dropped that crap on me………….
….
Ok back to the text message 
To that i responded: "That’s a really coward answer Joshua. I mean you can’t flipping say things like that, lay it on the line, and then straight up ignore the situation for three weeks. It really aggravates me to my core when people won’t step up and own their actions. Whatever, i’m over it."
I paused for a moment…and then realized i had more to say. 
"I’m not going to be your backup or someone that you can just verbally vomit all over and then walk away from the aftermath. Either what you said was not how you felt, or you’re not wiling to put forth the effort and pursue anything." 
To which he responded:
"You’re right that the entire thing has been cowardly on my part, and i’m sorry for that. Although what i said was true, it’s obvious that i don’t have the gumption to do anything about it. I had no right to bring this up again, especially for the second time."
. . .
Dang straight you had no right.
UGH.
So that’s the update.
I was fuming all day yesterday. UGHHGHGHHGHHGHG
. . .
Anyways. Also the other guy i have been getting to know—yeah that’s a no-go. It’s whatever. 
So i’ll share some pictures from this weekend. 
My life-long best friend got married and i was her Maid of Honor! <3 It was such a great wedding, filled with amazing company, and it was awesome to see her marry her best friend! 
My youth pastor from when i was in youth group was actually the photographer! She is AMAZING! <3 so if you know of anyone getting married consider her for serious! (obviously the last picture is from someone elses camera, not professional haha)
Here are some pictures: 
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. . .
So yes, there was my weekend! There is so much more to write about the wedding, etc. But the gist is, she’s amazing, her new husband is awesome, and they are so right for each other! <3