i thought i was confused before…

 I suppose when you start to tell a story you should start at the beginning.
The truth is….it started in the silence and stillness of the aftermath after a whirlwind experience 
We met at camp…in 2004 (the summer before my junior year of high school), Centrifuge to be exact (yes, the camp i just got back from). 
 
[He is on the left, i couldn’t find the picture of us together…]
We didn’t hit it off, or gaze longingly into each others eyes, or even hang out during free time. We chatted during Bible study, laughed during recreation and his hat held my rings and earrings when we climbed the 15 foot wall. Small interactions here and there throughout camp. It wasn’t until our last full night of worship when i was crumbled on the floor in my brokenness crying out to my Heavenly Father that i came to know the man who would be my first true love. 
I remember it clearly. I was on my knees in between two rows of seats during one of the most amazing worship experiences of my life. You see, my mom was in the hospital at the time (she knew she has leukemia but would tell me they weren’t sure what was wrong because she didn’t want to ruin my camp experience). I was worried and scared for her. I had my own sin issues i was struggling with as well. I was crying out to God to come and be near me and He was. He was comforting me. While i was in a ball on the floor praying i felt a hand on my back and then i heard a voice i didn’t quiet recognize begin to pray over me. I looked behind me and there he was, kneeling next to me praying over my life and soul. 
From that moment until the end of camp (the next afternoon) we were always together. It truly had been an amazing week at camp full of Jesus and what HE was teaching me and my relationship with Josh began in the stillness after what was a mountain top experience. 
Leaving him the next day felt so weird. It felt like a piece of me was being taken away. Yes i realize how dramatic that sounds, i was 15 give me a break. 🙂 We began our relationship soon after camp ended. He actually wrote me a letter right when he got home, here are a few excerpts from that: 
 
"I thought about you the whole way home. I longed to wake up and find you sleeping in my arms; but, sadly, that never happened…" 
"My favorite song right now is ‘Hanging by a Moment’ by Lifehouse, it reminds me of you. When i think of you, your beauty blows me away, and i mean that. God has made you more beautiful than you can imagine." 
…yeah…
We dated for a year. He helped me through my mother’s illness and passing. He truly was a great friend and boyfriend. When i look back at it i realize how bad I was through it. I loved Josh, i really did yet i was "in love" with Larry here. It was like Josh was my boyfriend in another state but i still wanted to have someone here as well. Yeah its pretty messed up. But i did give a lot of my heart to him. We knew everything about each other and still had each others back regardless. A little after our "year anniversary" he cheated on me with this girl and left me for her in July 2005. It was like all of the abandonment i had ever experienced my life boiled down to that moment.
I became the "psycho ex-girlfriend" yeah..i can admit it. We didn’t talk for about a year after that. We then started to reconnect and have been great friends over the last seven years. 
Every time he would date someone i would get jealous, even though i’m not sure if that is the fitting word. It was more like i was protective, insecure, a little hurt…all of them wrapped up into one. He has said the same when i’ve dated other people or talked about other guys. When i dated Stephen and me & Josh would talk about my feelings towards Stephen Josh couldn’t stand it. 
In the summer of 2008 i had my wisdom teeth taken out and two days later Josh was in town. He stopped by the house and we were able to visit for about an hour, with me looking like a doped up chipmunk. 
We hugged, he left and it was back to the normal phone call friendship we had settled into. 
…………..
Last summer (2010) me and Maria went on a road trip and made a stop in alabama. We met up with Josh to walk around a mall and have dinner together. I remember when he got out of the car i had butterflies etc. Dinner was full of laughs and good times. During dinner it started to POUR rain. I mean seriously crazy weather. Josh volunteered to run to get Maria’s car and drive it up to the front of the restaurant so we wouldn’t get completely soaked. He was such a gentleman. 
 
 
I was sad that the night ended….but all nights end and a new morning begins. 
We left….and came back into the friendship we’ve had. 
We can sometimes go weeks maybe even a month or two without

talking. We catch up, laugh, tell each other secrets…etc. I always call him out on his crap and push him forward. He is patient with me. 
. . .
I’ve realized over the last few months he was acting weird with me. I am not sure how to quiet explain it but it was weird. Some of the comments he would make led me to believe he still had feelings for me still. 

We had a conversation about it …this is an excerpt from an email i sent to maria Jul 8th
"Speaking of Josh….hahah. Ok not like that, at least i dont think so.
The last few times we’ve talked (we talk here and there) he’s been really weird. Like i’ve told you before that i think he still has feelings for me, and what not. But last night i was like "ok out with it" and you know me i’m so direct. So i asked him some sort of question….OH WAIt ok i was telling him how i was talking to Emily at dinner about fuge and how i actually met josh and how if our relationship didn’t end the way it did i would probably be married with kids by now (ohh sooooo weird to think about haha). So i was like (to josh) "do you ever think about that? i sometimes do…weird" and he said yeah bla bla bla and then i think i said something like "well idk if we would ever work again…." and he got really quiet so i asked him some question (i can’t remember exactly what but it was along the lines of being together or something) and he said "i dont want to answer that" and i pushed him and he was like "just drop it" and i said "give me one good reason and then i’ll drop it" and he said "i just dont think i am able to answer that right now…." WHAT?!? so after a few minutes i was like "you know that makes me want to ask more questions right?" and he said "yeah…you can still ask but i dont have to answer" so i started asking "Do you like me?" …pass "Do you think about us?"….pass. "Do you think i’m sassy?" …absolutely "Do you miss what we had?" ….pass EVERY QUESTION RELATED TO "US" he passed."

….
So that was that. 
I got to fuge (camp) this past monday, we talked a little…and then a few text message conversations changed the whole game. 
I don’t remember all of the text messages but he had made some flirty remarks and at one point i said "ya know what, i miss ya"
And he said, "Finally someone said it. I miss you too, Amy." 
After a few other text messages i said, "No it’s ok. I don’t know if i should be this way you know? I don’t know where you are or where my emotions are….does that make sense? I just don’t know is it weird that we still care about each other after this many years or will it always be that way just because of what we had..?" 
"i know what you mean. I don’t know what we ought to do, Amy. I think you being at camp and sharing our experience with the girls certainly acts as a catalyst for emotions. We certainly need to talk about it though. " 
"Agreed, i don’t know its sooo weird though, bah i hate it" 
"hate it…Explain, details now :)"
"I don’t know i still care for you so feelings are there, but i don’t know if we would work together, but maybe we would, and i don’t even know if its mean to be talked about." 
"I tell you what, Amy. Whether it would ever work out or not we really have no control over right now. Just enjoy looking back for now, remembering what we have had over the last 7 years. Who knows where you and i could end up. I know that there is something there for me, so i have enjoyed the talks we have had over the past couple of days. Let’s just try to keep cool and peruse what is right, whatever it is." 
"By ‘something there’ you mean feelings?"
"I think there may be, yes".
I sent this at 1:41am that same night "i’ve made this so complicated, lol i’m so sorry. I’m going ot pass out from exhaustion so don’t bother txting back i won’t get it. "
1:43 "yeah it has taken both of us to complicated the situation, goodnight and sweet dreams" 
2:10am "I can’t stop thinking about all of this. I think i’ll pull myself together and lie down with my thoughts. Perhaps we are to remain simply the best of friends or perhaps we are to be more. Who but God knows. I do know that i have had the privilege to call you mine at one time, and thus have had the chance to know an incredible, beautiful, special woman.While i may still possess feelings concerning you, i certainly do not want ot loose what we have been blessed with. I’m saying too much now, so goodnight and we will talk soon" 
Last night me and Maria were hanging out and she said something about him being my "soul mate" i txtd him that she said that and he said…."what do you think" i said "i don’t know" he responded "well, we’ll figure it out"

Maria is dead convinced that we are meant to be together….
I just don’t know. 
She tells me to stop trying to figure it out, to stop assessing but i can’t stop. 

Me and him still have to "have the talk". I want to know where he stands, and i want to tell him where i’m at. 

I’m scared, i’m curious, i’m hurt, i’m excited, i’m nervous, i’m not wanting to try it. Maria said "this is what you’ve always wanted, why run from it?". 

The things he said to me i was asking maria if it was weird for someone to say that to another person and she said, "not when a husband says it to a wife". Blew my mind
I don’t know.
AHHHHH
He can be so passive, so unmotivated, so many things. I just don’t know. But in the same breath i’ve never met someone so patient, so loving, so gentle. And you know what? I’ve known him for 7 years and we’ve dated a year of that. We’ve never kissed, held hands….only hugged (we were long distance). THAT is a blessing. 

I am able to feel 100% myself with him. Not trying to impress him or be someone i’m not. He has NEVER called me fat and loves me for me. 
So why hesitate? 
Because i don’t know. 
I was so hurt by him…i’ve gotten so comfortable with who we are now. He lives in Alabama…i don’t want to do distance again. 
I don’t know. I SO DONT KNOW. 
My head is spinning. 
How do you know? How do you know when to take the plunge or to tip toe in. 
I’m afraid if i reopen this door and we don’t work that i’ll look like an idiot, that i will be so hurt, that i will be beyond repair. 
I DID love him, deeply. Can i do that again? I don’t know. 

I don’t want to get caught up with the attention and loose sight of what is important (God). I also don’t want to get caught up with just the notion that i’m liked and look over any warning signs that might be there. 

I don’t want this to take my focus off of God at ALL. I don’t want to deal with it. I feel like i had finally FINALLY gotten to a point where i had no guys distracting me or anything…and then BAM this. Did i mention my head is spinning?! 

I dont know how i feel…

I just needed to get all of this out..to share it. To breathe it out. Thoughts? Concerns? WHATEVER. 

I’m sure there will be more soon. 

I will be writing about Camp and what all happened….i just had to get this out.