Terror Country

I don’t really like photographs, I rationalised over time that it’s probably because you begin to lose a sense of reality and put value into moments that really weren’t important, for instance, when you pose for a photograph, you’re posing, it’s not genuine or sincere, it’s not some rare moment where you told your friend something that they’ll hold onto forever, it’s not unique, or indicative of the type or quality of the relationship, it’s almost always staged and painfully insincere, the most common type of picture on the internet is no longer that of a naked woman but a self-shot one of a female and her best friend/s all of them looking straight on at the camera with a distinctive pose, ranging between silly, sexy, serious or happy, a part from silly it’s almost always taken with their head tilted the way they’ve practiced hundreds of times before to show off what they think their best angle is, even without a written caption it’s almost implied "Look how much fun we are!~"

So, clearly, not a fan of photographs, but here comes the reprieve, I took a number of photos and videos this trip and I’ve been trying to write about it for a couple of days but it’s all frustrating me and I honestly think the pictures and videos do a good job of explaining it, the only staged photos were done to ‘troll’ Sam. I’ll try and put up some photos soon, I’ll have to join one of those picture hosting sites though I think, and then upload them, it’s such a pain it’s 2011 already I want my magical computer land that I was promised. So this is what I can think of, just simple words and thoughts without much context.

Grasped hands between old friends, high minded nonsense and it’s peculiar happiness, hidden things, light along the road, long shadows that seem to have been forgotten by the trees and people that cast them, dancing light, the choice between the sun and a rainbow, a brilliant sense of beauty, clouds encompassing the bowl that the horizon surrounds us with, things we have lost and miss, how quiet the world becomes as we draw back into ourselves, simple gestures to show great love, how true happiness, real, undeniable, universe defining happiness seems to quieten the mind with the finest clarity, daily engages, laughing thoughts, how we really don’t pick the universe and why in that sense we’re all victims of circumstance it’s just that some people are better equipped to enjoy that, catastrophe as a force of the mind, the widest rainbow I’ve ever seen, a young man trying much too hard to impress a crowd of friends, a skilled dancer that would stand to the side of the dance floor watching on someone worthy enough to ‘bust a move’ on, my total inability to grasp youth culture and popular terminology, sitting looking out the window with my head in my hands and this guy about my age coming over hugging me telling me it’s going to be alright, the awkwardness of explaining that I’m not actually sad and that honestly I just had a headache and that I’d slept 8 hours out of the last 55 or so my eyes were sore and the fog machine was making them water, how I’ve no doubt he thought I was lying, he smelled good though, demanding that they put salt on our chips, the shape of Nonna’s beautiful sad eyes before she was caught in a fire, Brent asking for advice about moving to Italy from his Italian grandfather Nonno and then Nonno telling him the story of Icarus, Thomas who is 15 coming back from a night out on the town with some girls, when he got back we asked him what he was talking about with the girls and without a pause he replied ‘Homework’, liar, Natalie (Brent’s girlfriend) happily looking for river yabbies whilst Brent and I sat on a tree trunk that had fallen across the river, talking about the quality of our boots, wild Kangaroo’s leaping off into the distance, at the airport dropping them off for their flight Brent saying goodbye for what may be the last time, I shook his hand and then he went in for a hug which is unusual for us but I obliged, he then grabbed onto me as tight as possible and began kissing me on the neck… Natalie and her best friend doing the same the night before and how it seemed affectionate then and not terrifying like now, Stephen telling me that he considers it a point of character that he’ll build his own deck, Lisa’s sewing machine that she bought instead of paying for a wedding dress so that she could make her own, the video of Lisa on her deathbed at the hospital talking for 20 minutes to the future Brent on how to enjoy and appreciate his life, the sad desperation in her eyes and how you could see that she felt it wasn’t enough, that she was simply too young to be able to give him the advice that she wanted to give him, her only boy, then a video of Brent as a 3 year old in a batman costume out hunting with his grandfather, how Nonno’s eyes water every time you mention Lisa’s name, how we are careful not to watch the simpson’s on tv when staying with him, telling a married couple of 51 years that they’re the only example of a successful long term relationship I’ve ever known, nearly running out of petrol, the unbelievably large clouds that you get in northern NSW and QLD, in the town centre arguing with Kieran about which one of us wanted the watch from the op shop more, Kieran telling me that no matter how well made me buying a ladies hat box was ridiculous, buying it anyway, the mentally challenged man in his late 30’s who wore a Pokemon shirt at a Yugioh card game competition, him being the only adult there, him in the cupcake shop and the ladies behind the counter making small talk with him "How is it going? Won a game?" "Yeah I won a game a couple of weeks ago." "What do you get for winning?" "More cards." How painful it was to watch that, thinking about the sort of people in his life and how they interact with him, how his mother must worry for him, if she’s still alive, how the kids probably think of him as some weirdo retard and how fucking cruel that is, how I shouldn’t assume the worst because it just hurts me, then 10 minutes later walking past a trophy store and looking at their trophies with the intent of buying one of a man running to get inscribed with ‘1st place Texas State Finals’ for my friend Alex who has cerebral pausy which manifests as a big limp in his walking, because truly bad taste is so very funny, the nice gay shop assistant who mistook Kieran and I for a gay couple since we were home wares shopping and they had this iron wrought goose which just captivated me for it’s obvious sexual allusion, how I then sat on it and insisted that Kieran come over and stroke the Goose’s head, because again, bad taste is so agonisingly funny at times, Kieran buying some children’s size aviator sunglasses because he likes things that are just a little off kilter, explaining to him that no matter how well the photographs turned out the fact that his older brother had his wedding photos taken in a back alleyway in the middle of a small shopping district was not something you should tell people if you don’t want them to think of your family as irrevocable bogans, which is actually as far from the truth as possible, they’re all wonderful, entertaining, well mannered and highly educated professionals, why it was still funny to me, we went for a walk down along the river and he suggested I not wear any shoes which I never do but I agreed because he explained that wh

en you’re barefoot you start thinking with your feet, the textures and sensations become more important and you notice things you otherwise would not, being asked to leave the high end jewellery store because we had no shoes, him saying matter-of-fact that he only began enjoying riding on swings when he began studying the physical laws of gravity and momentum, becoming a crocodile for a day after getting my face painted as one, Brent joining a unicorn gang, becoming so comfortable with my new crocodilian form that I stopped thinking about it since it was natural and why the 24 hour Service Station attendant was reluctant to let me use the pump because of that. How I’m actually a very dull person unless I’ve either got a straightman or a crazy man with me, then I go lunatic.