Good

I was embarrassed the other day, but it was out of pride, which then made me more embarrassed, I disappointed myself, I don’t have much pride really, not in most circumstances, but some people agitate it out of me, some people are so condescending in the way they speak I start talking in absolutes, I become patronising myself, some people can be so rude in a discussion I lose myself in annoyance and I’ll say ill-considered things, stupid things, which is fine by itself but I’m so filled with annoyance that I will attempt to defend them just for the sake of pride, because I don’t want to be wrong to this person because this person is so insulting.

I don’t blame them for it, if anything it’s an important event, I need to learn to control it, I’m not one to indulge my own faults, my own failings, but it’s annoying when I’ve been working on them for years, I feel I’ve just about mastered something, and then spent 2 years in a reality insular of a challenge to this and so I revert to how it appears I naturally am with these people, to my childish self, over things that don’t matter. I forget what I’ve trained and come to believe, I deteriorate to my inferior position, not always, not with everything but evidently with some things.

I can get annoyed at discrepancies in my personality, I am fine with a lot of people thinking I’m an idiot, but often the closer I am to the person, the longer I’ve spent with them, the more it upsets me when they think I am or when I demonstrate to them that I am. It’s basically hypocrisy, I understand that’s essential in some capacity, if someone’s personality appears to be totally coherent then they are either lying to you or have spent many years cultivating that personality through training, it’s not an easy thing to do, I’m certainly nowhere near it, I’m not coherent yet and in my case I don’t know that I ever want to be, but it would be nice to be coherent about my weaknesses, that would be satisfying.

I think total coherence though, in everything, is very put on, there are matters where I think it’s better for me to think something closer to idealism than something which can stand up to the scientific method, there is value in some of our emotions that I believe shouldn’t be overwritten because they are not purely rational.