Watch out ladies, I’m betting on the ponies…

So I got myself up and out of my funk this past weekend. Went to the salon and got myself a proper haircut. The older lady cutting my hair kept saying to me “I’m not coming on to you, but my favorite thing in this world is a curly-headed man!” I’m sitting here thinking “for a woman not to be coming on to a man she’s laying it on pretty damn thick” it took her like an hour to give me a haircut (quick fun fact I love older women, although I also love younger women, actually I guess I just love woman in general lol). She kept rubbing my head and telling me stories. and if you’re wondering if I would have came on to her, that’s for sure a yes, she was fairly attractive for a woman of her age. There was another woman working at another chair and she kept trying to get into the conversation, which I was all about. The older lady kept cutting her off, and I keep pulling her back in. She was a short, spunky, fantastic breasted, dark brunette that I had sorta had my eye in upon entering the salon. I made some small talk with them after my haircut and decided I would put talk to the staked brunette next time I came in. I didn’t want the break the older lady’s heart.

I drove up north to meet up with some of my friends. We had decided to go to the local race track and bet on the ponies. like usual I spent Friday night trying to figure out what I was going to wear to the Derby festivities (everyone knows you can’t go looking like a slob). I hit up a couple stores on the way and find myself some pretty fantastic sportcoats (Don’t judge me I’m a fan…) at Kohls I found this fantastic mint green one and a white shirt with flamingos on it (to me that’s a winner). So the lady checking me out at the counter was all about my flamingo shirt. She started flirting it up a little, I started flirting back. Yet another woman who wasn’t bad for her age. She told me she was about to go on a cruise for her 50th birthday. I responded with “I’ll have a bag ready!” I left it at that.

I made my way over to my friend’s place where I put on an impromptu fashion show to figure out my look for the next day (needless to say the mint green and the flamingos won). We all went to bed there soon after and I decided to download some dating apps. It seems like I do fantastic everywhere except for when I’m at home looking for a date… At some point I drifted off with my phone in my hand.

We go the track and it is pouring the rain, which a part of me was kind of ok with. I find myself the nearest mint julep stand. I’m pretty sure my julep stopped about a quarter inch down and the rest of the drink was straight bourbon, I’m not hatin I’m just sayin… I got super tipsy. I was walking around soaked in my sportcoat and bird shirt. I was chatting it up with everyone. I’m Mr. Social Butterfly when I get a little drink in me. We all went and made our super uninformed bets and hung out in the rain waiting for them to run. It was a pretty fantastic time actually. Soon everyone wanted to leave and go eat ribs at my buddy’s girl friend’s parent’s house. I bought a bottle of bourbon on the way… We get there and you can smell the charcoal soldering. they had this fantastic dip, I don’t know if it was good because it was good or it was good because I was drunk but I was inhaling it. Then they made guacamole, which I’m notorious for not being a fan of, but I ate the shit out of that as well lol. I drank half of that bottle of bourbon that I bought, downloaded a betting app, won 50 bucks, and passed out just long enough to wake up to ribs with a buzz… It might have been the booze talking but I’m pretty sure my friend’s mom was hitting on me. which I’m very okay with… I think she might have been drunk as well lol. I finished eating my weight in ribs and was almost comatose when my friend looked at me and said “you ready to go out” and like a grizzly bear coming out of hibernation I raised up out of the recliner with a massive long grunt and said, “yes I am.”

We went to one of my old hangouts from years ago, it’s a massive barge they turned into a bar, and it use to be freaking fantastic. I took a shot of my bourbon in the parking lot and walked in like I owned the damn place. I looked around for a moment and I was like “what the hell?” Everyone was young… In my time there was a hodgepodge of people there. Old, young, famous, you name it and they came. maybe it was just an off night but we ended up leaving and going to the bar district.

My friend called her lesbian couple friends up and we met them at the little hole in the wall. We all chugged a beer and shared our favorite stories of our mutual friend, needless to say, we all became friends pretty quick. a few beers deep we ended up walking over to the lesbian couples favorite bar. We all walked in dressed as we were for the derby, and my buddy and I literally got eye fucked. I’m not saying I hated it, I’m just saying I wish it was by women and not guys… we find a little corner in the back that just so happen to be next to the bathroom. about every 30 seconds a couple would walk by to go to the bathroom to do I’m sure was unmentionable things and drain their bladder. Every couple that walked by commented on my mint green sportcoat and my flamingo shirt. Lucky me… I’m a pretty confident man in my sexuality, but the whole post bathroom touching that was kind of sending me for a whirl. Hey, but at least I know I picked a good outfit lol. We heard last call and we did the walk through the front again getting eye fucked the whole time. We parted ways with the lesbians. My buddy turns to me and says “you were flirting awfully damn hard with those girls.” and to be honest I didn’t know I was doing anything lol. either way, it made for an interesting time.

I spent the next day trying to hold my head in a position that it didn’t hurt. once I found that position I made the two-hour drive back to my house and slept off my hangover facedown on my couch.