Nothing for me

I haven’t been writing here, not because I am so busy that I just don’t have 15 minutes to write even a simple entry.  It’s not because I hate Open Diary or the other diarists here.  It’s not because my internet is so flakey that I can’t stay online long enough to write an entry.

It’s because I feel I have nothing to write.  And I feel this way because I haven’t I don’t feel like I’ve really started living.  I’m 22 years old and I still haven’t gotten a real job.  A real job meaning one that I took so I can pay my bills.  All of my jobs have really been simply because I wanted extra money, so they still haven’t been what I would consider a real job.  They’ve all just been things I’ve done without really caring so much about what I’m doing.

I’m ready to start my life.  I don’t want to wait until I’m 27 or 28 before I finally start earning my living.  So that brings me to reason one for why I’m quitting graduate school.  While I’m here, I’m not living.  I’m just waiting to live.

I’ve also lost that certain spark that I used to have when dealing with school.  I used to be able to get so completely into my assignments and the reading and spend hours doing homework.  Now, I can’t do that.  I don’t really seem to have the passion for learning about my classes anymore.  Is it possible that I simply don’t like the subject matter as much as I thought now that I’m really getting into the higher level stuff? 

No…  That’s really not it.  I just don’t want to learn the material on someone else’s terms anymore.  I want to learn it because I find it important, not because my professor thinks that I’m going to need that knowledge.  So that brings me to reason two for why I’m quitting graduate school.  I want to learn for the sake of learning.  Here, I’m learning because Professor X tells me to.

Also, I’ve taken out $10,000 in student loans this year, and it’s likely to go up to $15,000 next year and each year after that.  And with all of that loan, I’m still living a pretty poor existence.  My dining furniture consists of a black folding poker table and matching chairs.  I have no sofa or other living room furniture.  My walls are mostly bare with only a small amount of decorations scattered here and there.  I just can’t afford any of that stuff right now.  And by the time I’m done with this, I’ll have over $50,000 in loans and a job that will likely pay less than that a year.  So that’s reason three for why I’m quitting graduate school.  The money isn’t good enough.  It’s far too expensive.

So next summer, I’m leaving Texas for California, where I will finally get to start living my life.  My life with the one I love.  There’s nothing for me here, but there’s a whole world for me with him.