Dismalism: V

I’ve been looking so hard for
So long that I’m unsure what
I’m looking for, whether it’s
Even external or not. I’ve
Been looking for myself and I
Don’t know if I like the paths
That it’s taking me. There’s
Something to be said about
Associations, and maybe where
We find ourselves tells us a
Little bit about what we were
Looking for in the first place.

There’s so much of me that I
Cannot find anymore, locked
Inside little pieces of the
World at large, pieces that
I lost and are somewhere
I will never be able to recover
Them. There’s something lost
In me, something that would
Make me whole and less full
Of hate, of rage, of feeling
Like I’m so alone and so
Different from everyone else
That I’ll never be able to
Connect with people the way
That I should be able to.

And people are so stupid
And confused, they seem to
Think that they understand
Basic concepts that they will
Never scratch the surface of,
Because hate is something that
Lives inside of you, rage is
Something that follows you.

I have been thinking lately of
Selfishness and myself and how
I’m the only person who seems
To know what it is to be truly
Selfish. Others seem to think
That being selfish means doing
Whatever you feel like doing,
But I have found that the true
Measure of selfishness may be
In denial, in having a solid
Conviction that your view of
The world is right beyond what
Anyone else can see, and so
You will perform no action
That will deface the picture
Of you that you hold in your
Own head. That nothing and
No one is worth changing
Yourself for, because there is
Nothing more primally important
Than yourself.

I cannot seem to sum it up any
Simpler than to say there is a
Gap between me and the world,
And I like it that way. Because
I have yet to decide that the
World deserves to touch me, and
So I will hold myself aloof from
It until it proves itself better
Than it seems so far. There’s
Little chance of this happening,
But I will pretend to give it
The benefit of the doubt.

I am madly in hate with the world.