Like Open Doors

Ah love lol. Let me be the first to tell you love is super complicated. It is not easy, it is not rainbows, you will not hear music or see fireworks.

What is love, that’s like asking what is the meaning of life. I am a firm believer you can love more than one person, this is proven by the birth of our children, we love them all and at first site (ah see that love at first sight shit is real) But not to be confused with lust a first sight, which is what tends to happened to adults. Oddly scent is stronger than sight and so I do not actually believe one can fall in love just with sight alone (I’m referring to adults) But I’m getting off base here. Back to birth.

There is but one uncomplicate love. The one love that is totally pure and unselfish. The love that you birth (or the love that you have for a child that you have adopted (Ps I was adopted) Oh, I don’t even have to write it down to remember the feeling. I gave birth to 4 children and can recall on a dime every single one of their births. I only thought I knew love but then I went into labor and birthed a baby and when that baby passed fully into the world and to its first cry with its first breath, my heart, like doors opened wide and I was blind no more.

My son jace, was a month early 6.3oz. My doctor was from another country and I could not understand half the shit he said. I should have known he was coming bc my mother’s dog did not leave my side the night before, my water broke at 8am. I was overly num and alone. Jace was perfect. Tiny, head full of black hair and light eyes. He is 13 now, bright, still has dark hair and gray eyes. I homeschool him be he is a lot like Sheldon Cooper and is often misunderstood and shuts down. He is also in the 1% for growth. He is only 4’8.

My daughter Ezra. She was born 3 weeks early (jan 2) same doc as before who made me walk the hospital all day that day so that my labor would not stop. My water broke at 3am. she was balled and had my dark eyes. She was pink and perfect and smelled so good. I was alone again. She was 7lb and a happy smiling baby. Now she is 11 with a mouth like mine (ugh) and legs for days and thinks she 21. She is a jack of all trades ad master of all. She is a A, B student and already 5 foot tall. This girl is going places if she can learn to tone down her mouth that is ( she is not as passive as me)

Their father is the same man, a man you need not know about bc he chose not to matter. So yeah.

Then there is my little lila. She was a surprise to me and my now husband. We actually thought we lost her but we didn’t and then we had a scare that she would be with a hole in her spine but thankfully she was fine. My husband has just asked me to marry him a few weeks prior,I said yes under the condition that we get married before I gave birth. We married when I was 3 months along. Lila was 6lb 9oz and 3 weeks early though my doctor (new doc) tried his best to keep her to full term. I was induced due to my immune system failing, I was only half numb for her! She came out looking like her aunt and dad and hardly cried at all. She was a super good baby, slept a lot. At the age of 6 we found out she was autistic and has an IEP ever since. She is 8 now, still can’t read or write but her speech is now at 75% and she’s learning. She is our lila bug.

Then there was my husband’s namesake who would not be here had I not pushed for one last baby. William the 3rd aka Liam. He was a pain in my ass. Doc kept him in till 39 week, I was induced at 5am on the nose and had him about 11 with NO MEDS BC THEY DIDN’T WORK! He looks just like his father darn it. Smart and cute and now 3 years old.

They say you have kids because you have love to give which is true, but I think God gifted me with these beauties bc he knew I NEED love.

Motherhood is fun, and I love it and I would never change it. The doors to my heart will never close on my children.

That love is the only one I can explain, understand and not second guess.

Dont get me wrong, they wear my ass out but I love them. I am sooooo glad I started when I was 19, so glad. Im 32 now and I’m done. I could not start at 32. Dont ever let someone shame you for having kids early, or late or whatever. It happens when it’s supposed to and mostly when you need it the most.

I need my kids just as much as they need me.