And then it was over…

In between all the chaos, the constant fighting to try and save our relationship – I never once wondered what I wanted. I never even took a moment to press pause and feel for myself, think for myself. So when I did, I had an eyeopening moment. It shocked and pained me to admit that whatever hubby said he was or wasn’t feeling anymore… I felt the same way. We have an amazing friendship. But it’s just that – a friendship. We love each other but not in the way that is normal within a relationship or a marriage. My feelings have changed right alongside his. We’ve slowly drifted apart and are now on separate ends of the universe. And you know what, even thou that hurts like hell and it feels like failure to admit; but it’s okay. I want him to be happy, I want myself to be happy but we cannot achieve this within our relationship. So we’ve decided to separate. We’re getting a divorce.

I know this all seems very sudden, but it really isn’t. We had a similar talk in April. When he first told him about his doubts and fears and lack of feelings. At that point he had been walking around with his conflicting feelings for 9 months, I was pretty clueless until he told me. We then committed 100% to fighting for it and making it work, for ourselves and our son. But it never really got better. I told myself it had, I buried my head in the sand but now looking back, I know that nothing changed. We just pretended it had. So when he started to grow distant and pulled away more, I confronted him and got the same story I got in April. There was no earth shattering reaction from me. Loads of tears, yes. But not what he had imagined. I then credited it to a lack of energy and sleep, I couldn’t react because I was numb. Looking back I now know that I didn’t react the way he thought I would, because I wasn’t all that surprised. I knew it was coming, maybe not consciously. But on some level I knew.

So now we are close friends. We are fully committed to working through all the details of this divorce. Our son is our number one priority. He comes first now. And we want to make this transition for him as normal as possible. Because this is going to happen and no one can change that, but I want our little boy to get through this. It’s gonna be hard as hell, it hurts as hell and I’m not done crying over this yet – but this is the best choice of action for all of us. And we’re just gonna have to live with it.

We told our parents and sisters in the last few days. His didn’t see it coming because they live far away. Mine did see it coming and weren’t as surprised, but still very sad. Both stand behind us in our choices and will support us with whatever we need.