Numb.

It has been exactly 10 days since my husband told me flat out that he doesn’t *feel* our relationship anymore. He loves me, or so he says, but we have nothing in common. No common activities we share. Just downright different. He’s unsure if he wants to continue being married to me. His feelings towards me have changed, he’s no longer attracted to me (sexual or otherwise) and he doesn’t believe talking will change anything. At first I was in tears, hysterical, because surely he couldn’t just throw it all away. We’ve been together for 11 1/2 years now, have been married for 4 years and our son is 3 1/2 now. Throwing all of that away without fighting seemed impossible to me. So we talked, and talked and talked some more. We eventually agreed to go see a therapist. That will happen next Thursday. Some professional help might straighten us out. Or in the least give him some insight in why he’s suddenly unhappy with his life – the life we’ve had for the past several years. Needless to say, thoughts of a second child have been quickly dealt with. It’s not happening. Ever. Because he doesn’t want it.

But as days go by, I can’t help to feel it’s all changed so much. The way he’s acting towards me, the way he treats me. It’s still friendly – but it’s all fake. The kisses are fake, there’s no feeling. It’s a peck on the lips but there’s nothing there to back it up. He hugs me on occasion but I feel it’s only to make himself feel better. Because I don’t feel anything. I’m numb. The fighter that listened to him rant 10 days ago… she’s not here anymore. I don’t know where she went, or when she left. It’s just all different now. Every night I lay awake for hours after laying down. I run a thousand questions through my head. What will happen if he leaves? Will I have to move out of our house? Or will he move? What about money… I work 7 hours a week, that’s not gonna be enough. Not by a long shot. I’ll have to find another job along the side, or a new job all together. But what about our son? Who’s going to take care of him while I work? Hubby works strange hours, never has the same week schedule twice. So he’s no help. But what am I gonna do?

I went as far as getting pills to help me sleep, or at least calm my thoughts down. Because I can’t sleep with all those questions racing. And I can’t keep waking up tired either. It had to be dealt with. Well I can report that the pills are sort of helping… but anyways, pills aren’t going to solve this.

The biggest question of all; can I do this without him? Can I stand to be alone? I’m terrible at being alone. It scared the hell out of me. Terrified to the core. I can’t be a single mom. I can’t raise our son all by myself if he’s gonna be a weekend dad (like he basically said he wanted to be). I can’t be alone. I think that’s the part that scares me the most. If I do end up alone, who’s going to want me? A single mom with a 3yr old son. I’m not a busty blonde, I don’t have killer legs or anything working for me to be honest. I’m not slender or anything like that. Who’s going to want me? What if I never find someone else and be alone forever? Can I handle that? I don’t want to be alone. It scares me so much.

But then the flip side. Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Do I want to try and fix a relationship when it already seems way beyond fixing? Why do I care so much when he obviously can’t be bothered?? As I’m writing this, I’m home alone. I’m having a beer and downing a box of chocolates. My husband is out clubbing with his friends (I hate clubbing, if I’d gone with him I’d just ruined his evening by sulking all the time). And our gorgeous little boy is asleep in his bed. I tucked him in. I read him a story and sang him some songs. He asked where his daddy was and I lied and said that daddy was at work. My sweet boy didn’t question me, he’s used to daddy being at work. I lied. I don’t know why I did that.

I’m at the end of my rope. I’m tired. Worried for my future. And in awe with how little he seems to care. But above all I am numb. I don’t feel anything. I wish I could be angry. That would make everything so much easier. But I don’t feel. Anything.