Am i here?

I sometimes feel like i’m not really here. Who the hell am i? I’m just some biological walking machine that thinks. I think to much, sometimes i think about thinking to much and i get annoyed. I wonder if i take things to heart too much? Most guys in my situation would be happy, would be out and about chatting up girls but i dont have the urge to do that. I don’t just want anyone, someone who i meet when im drunk and shes drunk at a dim lit nightclub. How can i possible think about giving myself to some stranger? I guess my ex was a stranger to start with. I dont know how people can do it. I’ve read a lot of other peoples entries and so many are like mine. Someone has lost love and would do anything to get that back. Its just sad that the people who should be reading are those that they are talking about. Love isn’t just an attraction to someone, its something that can’t be made up or faked no matter how good you are at it. Love can’t be proved through sex or promises. It can only be achieved when your comfortable with giving yourself to someone completely and not worrying about how they will react. You won’t need to tell them your happy, angry, upset or annoyed, they’ll feel it for themselves and when they do they will be there for you. Why then did istuff things up so bad that i drove her away? Why did i stop showing that affection and respect she deserved? This is what puzzles me, i have no idea. Its not until its over that you look back and see the mistakes you made. Why cant people stop and listen when someone is asking for forgivness? Everyone makes mistakes, lots of them but a lot of them people try to sort them out. I dont want this to ruin another relationships so something has to change. It plays on my mind because i think she was the one who would appreciate the most how much ive changed and still am. When i meet someone new they’ll just think ive always been like this.

One night to take away all of it,
One night to move the ground,
We could have tried a little bit,
I know we’ll turn around.

I dont know what to do, everything i try,
You took away a memory,
Who i am inside
Divine Proportion – Intelligent Design
You took away a memory, now ive made it mine.