I have no idea

I don’t know how i’m coping. Theres a part of me that just want things the way they were. Every day the same but having that comfort  zone. I wander this life alone now, with no one by my side. I do so many different things but the truth is i spent everday pretty much for two years with this particular girl. I’m not saying that if i had her back it would make me happy but what i’m feeling now is a different happy, something i can’t work out. You lose your identity, i was always just me but now im a different me, i sometimes dont recognise my self. A part of what i was is still with me, smoking, pot, staying up late and sleeping more than i should. But on the up side i exercise and do a martial art now, i go out with me friends and i think i set off a more postitive aura around people. Yeah, i shav my head and got piercings but its more than just the way i look. I shave my head because i was sick of always wondering how my hair looked, "Oh am i thinnng? Does this look stupid? I’ll wear a beanie" which i done most times. My eyebrow stud and labret is the primitive side of me. It’s more to do with making that choice to have that look, people may look at me as if i’m some stupid punk but that’s their problem. No one is what they seem, we all have some form of split personality. For one person to be the same to so many different personalities is impossible. For instance, i’ll talk to one guy at work as if i were insulting him but in a humerous way. We will insult each other all night but get along, another guy however i talk about other things, i change my mood for each person.  A personality for each person, no wonder its so hard. Im not sure if that’s just me or other people too. I had this urge to write tonight, so much to say with no one to say it too. I believe that the right person to spend the rest of your life with is someone who takes interest in you straight away. Who genuinly cares for you and wants to know how your feeling inside. There is someone out there but i need so much time. I need to get out of my job, i need to get away from her. I think the only possible way that we would get back together is if she wanted too. I can’t convince, promise or persuade her, i pushed her so far away and i don’t think i’ll ever be with her again. Sometimes i think if i sort out these: Stop smoking, stop pot, get fit, do well in my studies and find a full time job at the end of this year i will be ready. I also thought that this would prove to her how much she mean’t to me, maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Either way i will be a better person for it and someone else will hopefully one day be attracted to me then. This is so clich’e but i think its more than just how someone looks that captures peoples attention, theres something else there, something hidden. Thats something that we can’t change, maybe it’s our soul, maybe its just some psychological condition. I have some more lyrics i’ll post later on. I tell my self not to be disheartened, i just wish someone else would tell me.