On Letting Go

Of the many things I decided I needed to do this year one of them was "letting go". Mom always tells me that I have to learn to let go of my past. Its probably why I can’t move forward. I think I’ve come a long way in past month though. So Sunday night I was cleaning out my closet and I took out what I like to call "The Levi Box". I took it out. Put it up. Took it out. Put it up. Took it out…. and then silly me decided to look through it. I opened it up and the first thing on the top was my favorite picture of him. A picture of took of him standing on the beach. He was wearing blue. The boy looked best in blue. It made his eyes light up. I found myself doing one of those half grins, like when you see something you like but you know you can’t have it. The box is full of things that make me think of him. Letters he wrote me over the 6 years we were together… pictures I loved of him and of us together…. cards… a florida postcard he got me… little things really. I found this thing he made at the art museum or something once. Its construction paper and its a cute little design and in the middle, the construction paper is made out to say ‘Levi love Heidi’. and he signed the bottom of it. It brought me to near tears. I thought that I had let go of all of that, but looking in there just made me remember everything that was good with us. And you know, lately as I’ve started my reinvention I’ve seen myself regressing back to that person I liked so much and realized that its also the person that Levi loved so much. The skater girl and the surfer boy. We always knew we were perfect for each other. Why couldn’t I maintain that? I mean that is who I am. Deep inside. I’ve let so much eat at me that I could never accept our relationship for what it was. I underappreciated him. I took him for granted. And what do I have now? A box of things. A box of things that tell me how much I loved him with one single glance. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever let go of it. I keep thinking, what if I regret getting rid of this? He was my first love. I can’t let go. I’ve tried. *sigh* oh how I’ve tried. Its like he’s still holding on to part of my heart, but I haven’t even spoken to him in like 2 years. Its been bringing me down. I had been doing so well with my depression. I had 1 low in January. But since that night I’ve had 3 lows in a row. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were all depressed days. Half of yesterday was a depressed day, mainly cuz of Todd though. Something Joe said made me think of Todd. I guess my issues really are with love right now.

In good news, I made my 40 day mark with smoking on the yesterday. That makes me 41 days smoke-free and 8 weeks alcohol free! woot!

Hope all is well out there in OD land. Peace.