Uterine

So my period decided to show up one hour before my scheduled IUD placement, thankfully.  They prefer to put in the IUD when you’re bleeding, since your cervix is more flexible and you’re already cramping.

I go in there, and lighter-skinned Doc Hibert from the Simpsons puts in my IUD.  He shows it to me, it’s a teeny little plastic T.  He also says that the Mirena IUD is more effective than getting your tubes tied, which is pretty neat.

So I assume the position with my ass hanging off the table and my feet all over the place, dressed in stripey knee-high socks.  The doctor asks me something about shaving pubes (yeah what), says his ass hurts from falling down,  and we get started.

Speculum.  Always crank it one setting too high.  He shines a bright light into my crotch, like it’s being interrogated.

They take a culture of my cervix, which is a sickening inner-scraping feeling.  They put something into my uterus to align it up for placement, it feels pretty unsettling to have your innards move around like that.

He inserts the IUD, it feels like a horrible cramp is starting, and I break out into a cold sweat.  They fuck up the placement and have to do it again.  It hurts worse when they actually do it right.

Intense cramps, cold sweats, and I feel like I’m going to vomit and pass out.

I sit in my car, shivering, before making the 30-second journey back home.

I soak in a hot bath forever.