Thankful for a change..

 it’s been sort of a while since I have had any truly nice thoughts about my mom. Her being a drunk has made things hard for me to handle. Not because she pukes or gets crazy, but because it not only causes massive flare up in my dads bi polar anger, but she gets all emotional and extra sensitive and can’t handle the normal daily things that a 46 year old woman should be able to. She will get mouthy and talk back to my dad, which pisses him off and makes him get violent with her. He’s been an abuser and woman beater for years, and she used to know how to keep him calm (since divorce seems to be out of the question.)

But when she drinks she talks back to him and yells at him and instigates. It’s like she WANTS to get her hand broken or something.  I don’t know why she doesn’t just cut it out.  I remember one night we went to Hilander to grab a few groceries, and before I dropped her off at home (RIGHT IN MY CAR) she pulled out a bottle of vodka and started taking shots while I was driving her. I was like, uhm..hello OPEN BOTTLE IN THE CAR!  She didn’t care and she just made the excuse dad wouldn’t let her have it once she got home so she had to sneak it now. This is just one of the things that bothers me. You could make ME lose my license but who cares as long as you have had your liqour buzz.

I know that a lot went into this development, and it’s been years and years thats put her into this state, and I’m so mad at myself for never noticing. Being too busy with my own life to see that she had a problem, or to even understand that those emotional nights weren’t just because she was on the rag or something. I don’t know I guess I just feel like  I failed as a daughter. Maybe we really do only see what we want to see in people.

I remember always thinking how much of a bad guy my dad is. But then I have done a lot of growing and while I know that his actions are totally wrong when it comes to physically acting out on someone when you are upset..and trust me, he’s hurt me plenty of times…but I know now why he did get so pushed. Sometimes my mom can literally make a person SO crazy they feel like hitting something. She doesn’t stop, and she’s repetetive, and she just makes you insane. I haven’t met anyone who can truly stand her at all times, and when she gets like she does, she makes people so uncomfortable they always find excuses to leave the situation/room.

My dad has two sides I have come to find. A very calm collected and respectable side, and his crazy I’m a bi polar asshole control freak side.

I like the first of the two, a lot. He actually has a great sense of humor, and he’s a lot of fun to be around when he just lets loose and can be comfortable with you.  But it doesn’t  take much to set him off so I do have to be careful what I say.

This is turning out really long. Oh well, it’s nice to talk about it.

I’ll have to write about my dad being known as the MAD CRAPPER in high school, but this just isn’t the right entry for that. Maybe next time. ha.

I’m thankful though, for my moms sober moments this week where she is helping me out A LOT by letting me do her ironing, laundry and other misc housework for about 100 bucks a week. It doesnt sound like much but right now I’m out of a job and need money so badly it hurts. I am expecting to go into labor any time now and Joe isn’t really working too steady through the temp service so the bills are severely behind. Hopefully we can get all caught up soon, but having my moms support really makes me remember what a good person she is on the inside, annoying or not. Some things you just have to put up with because you love someone, and also realize that they really are a product of their environment, and she’s been through hell and back…more times than anyone can imagine.