Personal Growth

 I know things in my life have always seemed pretty stable, even through the emotionally rough patches here and there. But I guess now I realize that more than ever.  I guess you have so sink to the lowest you possibly can, to see that you need to be pulled out of the hole you dug yourself, or that a hole ever even existed.

Flash back to almost two years ago, when I was stealing from stores and doing drugs every day. At the time, I would just have said "I don’t give a fuck. I want to get fucked up. I want that shirt, Im going to take it."  Without a feeling of guilt, without really caring who knew or who was bothered by it.  I had nothing left in life I cared for. I had friends that were all in the same position as me. Some that just made money to get by, and buy more drugs. No, they weren’t addicts, as much as it sounds they were. They were just in the same position I was. You don’t need the drug. You want it. Because everything else without it feels so pointless, boring, numb. Because the colors weren’t as bright, the music wasn’t as passionate, the sensations couldn’t tingle the tips of your fingers. The smell of a rose, or the feeling of silk on your skin. All these things that in every day life, consumed by the depression of being truly lonely, or scared, or missing someone, or anxious…these NORMAL HUMAN EMOTIONS, mask the little things and how enjoyable they are. You just have to be in a different place in your life to stop wanting to feel "normal" anymore.  The drugs didn’t make me stopped caring. I did. I made myself quit believing. I had no faith, and no desire to find it.   My family were strangers, BEFORE the drugs. The drugs just let me feel that my friends WERE my family, and thats just a false sense of security. I felt untouchable. Because walking around rolling balls , I felt on top of the world. All those endorphins just running freely, hey man…it was great. I could look at a world that I thought turned its back on me and still find it beautiful, but only those few hours I spent looking at it through ecstacy. So I popped a few pills a day. 3, maybe 4. Because after a while one didnt give you that feeling anymore, A tolerance was built, and you had to take just one more.  At that time, Joe and I were uncertain, and even though he loves pills too, he was slowing down, and I was just picking it up.

I no longer cared if i went to jail, or died, or slept in my car, or made money, or had anything at all. I just wanted to be numb and ignorant and walk through my life until I couldn’t anymore.  Nothing could break through my shell, and no one around me even tried. No one could see the unhappiness I felt because I kept it bottled up for no one to see.  I snorted a line of a crushed pill off my gmas bathroom counter. If she were alive for that….well, I guess I never would have done that if she was alive to start with…but even so. I looked down at that line, all green, and puffy. I anticipated that it would burn, and my eyes would water. That I would have to sniffle to keep anything from running out, all gross and nasty infront of anyone.  But when I saw the line, all I saw was the way I’d being able to put on that fake smile, to pretend all was good again. Because that was the only time I was happy.  Yes, I could live through the sadness, we all have to. I just CHOSE not to. 

I wish I could say it was addiction, because there is less choice in that. But I wasn;t addicted. I just did what I did. End of story.  If it wasn’t for Joe, the ONE person in my life who could make me feel something, I don’t know where I would be. He taught me the truth..sometimes its better just to let yourself feel nothing at all, then feel something that isn’t real. Because it just leaves you feeling more and more empty when its gone.  He is the first person I have loved since my ex of 3 years. The only one who was able to show me that life was meaningful, and that to live it you HAD to go through the worst of it in pain, so that once it stopped hurting, you knew it was really getting better. With his love, and help, I started smiling again for real.

Now I have this beautiful little boy that I will be meeting in 3 months, and I know he has a great daddy to show him life, and a mommy who has REAL passion, and ambitions and who would do anything for him to have the best life. I healed pretty quick, if you ask me. It only took a couple months for the raw pain to subside, and to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Now theres nothing anyone could ever say, to convince me that what I was doing back then was justified. I was a fool. And I had a lot of growing up to do.