My flaw

SONG Mariah Carey: Looking in http://www.youtube.com/watch

I have a major flaw.

I go through moments in my life where in my character  destroys relationships.

I get too close.

I am a very loyal friend, I am a supportive friend. I pride myself on being there for people. But over the years, a few of my closet friendships I have driven away.

This may be due to me being an only child growing up, or that my father abandoned me, and my relationship with my parents during my teenage years was stranded. I was ignored allot (I know I sounds very poor little rich girl), But I made my friends became my family.

 I never understood why I was always jealous of people they would have family time, My family was never like that. I struggle with it today. Even now in my 30’s I wish I had my own family to invest in. People that would "have to stay" that would love me.. and never leave.

Everyone I have loved has left me – The only person to stick it out is My mother.  And she in turn has made me the way I am.. this over needing way to be involved.

Rachel, was my best friend in high school – when I moved to London she followed a year later. We were best friends for 13 years.. I have always embraced our difference’s. But yet she always seem to pull away from me. I felt rejected at times. I gave her a place in my life where I thought that I could say things to her.. anything and she would always be there. But I was wrong. We stopped talking for almost 4 years. Looking back I new she was looking for away out of the friendship, but I held on so tight because the thought of being without her was so scary.

We talk now, and indeed she has said to me that she Miss’s having a friendship like mine now. But her rejection and her exit out of my life rocked me. Although we are speaking and friendship is back on track – we will never had what we have. There is mis trust from her, and mistrust from me. We can’t get to close because the fear is that it will explode.. and I know It will be my fault.

Within 6 months of her friendship ending with me Mark cheated on me and Jess died. Another two people that were my life, the rock’s in my life. It damaged me so much..

3 months after that my Step Father told me that he never thought of me as his daughter, ( he had been in my life since I was 2) that destroyed me. It was the last bit of who I used to be. 

This new person who I am today.. she took 3 years to define. But because of those moments.. this flaw came back but even worst then before

2 years ago I over involved myself in Alex’s life and he stopped talking to me, he only now has forgiven me. His words – "I can’t let you get involved in my relationships again"  Those words wounded me, I have tried to start again with him, but he ignore me.  He now is like Rachel. Where before I was involved I have been sidelined.

12 months ago my friend Chris cut off our friendship without one word. It all went down while he was getting married. I have no idea what I did, but I think I may of said or did something which meant I overstep the friendship. 

Nikki is so mad at me. Her irrational behaviour on top of my need to help her has pushed our 20 year friendship to breaking point. I need to step away.. she has said the same thing to me that Alex has said.  Again it wounded me in the heart.  Why have a friendship with someone if you can’t talk about things with them? 

Kate, Sandi and Ros – I ended their friendships because I needed more from them, I wanted them to share things with me, but they stopped and I took that so personaliy that I ended 15 year friendships.

AP – has almost cut me off a few times and his behaviour to me gets worst and worst, I now just tread lightly we are no longer close and I try and stay out of his way. I fear he will end the friendship and sometimes I think about doing as well, because I want to know more but I know I shouldn’t pry.

Sam and Ben – are also at this point where once both used to confide in me, but no longer speak to me about their girlfriends.

WHAT has happened to me. I once was a trusted friend. But now I guess I say to much, I tell people what I think.. I over step. I become to involved and to " part of them" this need inside of me to find a true friendship. To hold on to a "friendship" as if it’s a family member has gotten worst in the last 2 years.

It’s my need to love people so much because in the end they all LEAVE.. 

All of these things point to the fact that I am the problem – NOT them. I am the person who should get help? I am the person who is broken. I… I need to stop this behaviour.

I know I talk about change so much in here, and I spend time wishing I would change. But now I see what I need to do. I need to change it

I need to change my SOUL.

I can’t be this person who would do everything for anyone, I can’t be this person who is self less, I can’t be the one who they call. I just can’t be it anymore..

It clear that this has not been working for me, in the last 5 years. How many more friendships do I destroy before I get the message.

I don’t want to end up alone.. but that fear is killing me. It’s killing me and my friendships.