Spread my wings and Soar.

SONG: Christine Aguilera: Soar http://www.youtube.com/watch

Have not been able to sleep for the last few days.

I have been thinking about my trip to the UK. I play out ideas. I don’t know why but I keep thinking that I should send a note to Mark. I know it’s a mistake and I shouldn’t even entertain the idea. Why on earth would I do that? Why, or a better question would be.. What do I think will happen if I do????

I have this strange idea like a plot for some twisted movie. I would send a hand written note to his work address. It would say something like.

Dear Mark

I am in town for only a few days. I would really like to see you. I will be at Finchley Road on Monday 5th at the place we first met. I’ll be there from 2pm, I will wait one hour for you. It would be so nice to see you again.

Claire

GOD..I guess I need to work on it, I would want it to sound more sure of myself..

Dear Mark

I’m in London I would really like to see you to see how you are. I will be at Finchley Road on Monday 5th at the place we first met. I’ll be there from 2pm. I hope you come.

Claire

NO THAT is worst….!

I know it’s crazy, and I really don’t think I would send it, but I have this romantic thought I don’t know if that is the right word (romantic) I have this demented thought… that I would go there.. and he would turn up. .. AND… AND what Claire?? …………………

I really don’t know what I think would happen…. Sometimes I think we would have a nice conversation he would tell me about how happy he is, he would tell me about his daughter and his wife Then…..Would it lead into something where he says, but I miss you?

DO I think that he would confess he’s in an unhappy marriage and beg for us to give it another try. Would he say he’s still in Love with me?

DO we end up in a hotel room where he and I make love. We just have this one afternoon of sex, and I leave again.. never to see him again..

SO its more for my emotional benefit. That even thou he’s married he cheats on her, (like he did to me). Would that make me feel better, to know that I could do that to someone else, and not only that but someone who he has a child with? All to make myself feel better to know that he didn’t just cheat on me, but he’s just a cheater on EVERYONE.?

Or do I think well have this afternoon together and he will leave his wife for me? That I was, and still am the love of his life???? Because I really don’t think I love him… I MEAN honestly REALLY WHY would I do this?

Above everything.. there would be this moment he would ask me about how I am doing. What would I say? Umm I live in Sydney, I have had zero relationships since I left you… my working life is pretty much at a stand still? I am here because I want a sign from you… a sign that your an asshole who cheats on people, or your the love of my life. Or that we should be FRIENDS? OR is this my idea revenge? To flirt with him, to seduce him>?

Is This is all just coming from some dark place in my mind that wants to prove to myself that I can walk away from him again? That what I did was the right thing..

I do know a few things for sure. That the moment he cheated on me it broke something inside of me. It change me.

It saved me from making an even bigger mistake. I was not in love with him. He was not the one for me. And I lost who I was with him.

I just never thought, that getting on a plane to London would open up all these feelings. I have dealt with. It’s been 5 years in November.

Could this be the catharsis that I am looking for? IS this the moment I truly can start to move on and heal?