Birthday meets world

Song: Lisa Loeb Stay http://www.youtube.com/watch

It’s my Birthday tomorrow… I don’t really want it to be.

It’s raining and it’s cold outside, and I as I have my yearly freakout of being OLD. I reflect on the people I know. Or who I no longer have a part in my life.

Last year after years "countless" years of putting in so much to friendships to get nothing back. I had to let them go.

For person like me, friendships are what keeps me going. It’s what’s drives me. I have known for a while that the longer I distract myself with my friends the more I can ignore ME.. and my life… and my issues.

I enjoying fixing other people, when deep down inside I want people to fix me.

I learned early that not everyone is as generous with there friendships, or love or time, money.. well just about as anything. But I grew to be ok with that. I grew to accept that things would not be returned and I grew to let it go. Because I was different I wanted to help my friends.

I let go of friendships right after I turned 30. These friendships had defined me for so long. Before there was such a thing as face book, I was an avid keep in contact person. I knew what everyone was up to and what everyone was doing. I lived in 3 different countries and I called all of them. And trust me I have so many friends. Yet none of them.. Perhaps 1 or 2 out of maybe 50 ever called me.

What does that mean?

I find it so strange that letting go of those friendship, still hurts me…. I find it so hard. I miss them… even the ones that were not that nice to me. I still miss them?

I talked to Alex today, it’s been 2 years. His dad just died and yet one small comment from him, upsets me. He blames me for being to too involved. He said that from now on we will not involve me in his relationships. I didn’t say anything back to him because his dad just died.. BUT that really hurts me. Because I only got involved to help him, and only after his ex girlfriend called me?

But then again.. I do over involve myself. And it always hurts me.. Why do I do it. I try and make people "family" I just and make sure they love me no matter what. These people tell me everything, and In turn tell them everything.. But the different between family and friends. Is that you can walk away from a friendship. It’s my mistake… that I do that. I think I can say whatever I want to these people.. but even after 10-15 hell 20 years of friendship they all still find a way to walk out on me…

WOW… in a nutshell that is why I am the way I am. Everyone leaves me, sometimes I think I push them sub consciously, sometimes I do it as a test of friendship. There Are times in my life I have caught myself doing these tests to people.. and I do talk myself out of it..

Ohhhh great.. I know.. am I crazy to want friendships like an American sit com

Thank god for tim tams and YOUTUBE endless reruns of Boy meets World http://www.youtube.com/watch