Nobody Lives without love

Song: Eddi Reader: Nobody Lives without love.  http://www.youtube.com/watch

It’s slowly creeping towards my birthday. I am still the same person, inside as well as out. I am still broken. But still the actress on the outside works her magic. I get told by my friends.. that they are shocked that I haven’t been snapped up…

are they serious… ? How can they be shocked,

Men like nice pretty things to look at. I have known that since I was a teenager. They like thin bodies…above all. I am not ugly, but I’m not beautiful . And personality is WAY waaaaaay down on the list.

My mother loves pointing that to me.. almost everyday. My weight is this very reason, she takes great pleasure in telling me this.  And how thin, and how beautiful she was, and how she’s married.. and I am none of those things.

She is right you know. That is the truth. It just hurts to hear it from my own mother. Because sometimes I don’t want to hear the truth from her. sometimes I just want her to be like my friends… to not say it out loud..

I don’t want to be alone.. but it may have to be that way…

How can I talk myself into this life. How can I convince myself that I need to admit that I will not be with someone… That the dream of "finding" the one is not real, and that there will be no children and there will be no house with laughter.

How does anyone prepare themselves for that..??

I’m sure I read somewhere that it’s human nature to be surrounded by one and other. That inbuilt in us is a need to be round another person till the end of our days. That when we don’t have fulfill this existences of being round another human being – symptoms of loneliness, depression and our general health will decrease.

I am going to be that women, in 10 years who still lives in a shared house, who still works at her crappy job and is single, childless and alone. 

I don’t want time to pass me by.. I don’t want to be 40 and in the same place.

But yet I can’t move myself, I can’t fix what is broken and I can’t repair it. 

So the only thing now is to just like it?  Admit it?  Become it? 

Nobody Lives without love