Trapped in this body.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlvUepMa31o

I know it’s been a few months since I wrote in here.

I have been trying to I guess move on with my life. "get well" so to speak,

Nothing really has changed, and I can’t help feel I am doomed to be stuck here in this never ending circle of life. Meanwhile, people find new loves, move in together, fall in love, get in engaged, get married, buy house’s, and have children.

Could my soul is perhaps be cruised to watch this all happen to everyone else??

Happiness escapes me? Did I do something in a past life to watch all those I love be happy, but not to get it in return?

Another few babies have been born, another few more people are getting married. TROY has moved on… I have started to look at my life and perhaps admit that I may end up alone

I had boy say nice things to me on Saturday. He’s so good looking, smart and sweet. He would be my perfect man. I would have a shot with him, if I wasn’t trapped in the body.

He told me he wanted to kiss me. But I nicely laughed and said that it’s nice but he wouldn’t want to be with me…he had been drinking all night, and we had been taking the odd illegal drug which would make anyone want to reach out and touch someone. Even if she was chubby and fat. Or his type what so ever. I quickly went on to say- that he is going to find that amazing girl smart, pretty , thin… changed the subject and then smoothly pretend what he said was not a big deal.

I have been replaying the conversation in my head, what if I hadn’t said that? Or what if I had given him a chance to answer? A chance to say other things… Could he of seen the broken me if I had let him in… Or did I just stop it.. like I always do. Men that good looking never ever, want me.. or if they do it’s for some fun and that’s about it. Yet he strikes me a not the kind of guy who would..

YET I scream at myself,. it was the Coke and vodka… he would of screwed anyone that was there… even you.. EVEN YOU.

He’s your friend Ben’s Little Brother, it would of never of worked… He’s far far to good looking…. It would of made you feel like nothing.

Someday I wish I knew what it felt like to be Beautiful outside. To be thin. Just someday I want to have a man desire me rather then just have sex with because I am there.

I want to be Loved for my body and my mind….

It must feel so amazing to be loved for both those things…